Category: Relationships

Life is Not Forever

I recently had an awakening call about the finite aspect of life. This lesson was given to me by our pet cat, Pixie.

Our cat saying “hi” to the camera.

We have had Pixie now for about 11 years. She has been a steadfast fixture of our family for over a decade now. She is a typical cat, I think, with her personality. She is very opinionated and particular in how/when she is petted (that is, not very often, and on her own schedule, and you better not forget that, or she will remind you firmly each and every time).

In June, our cat suddenly became sick. (She is usually healthy and fortunately not on any chronic medications. I only take her to the vet (begrudgingly for her) for annual checkups and vaccinations.) That weekend in June, she was having unusual accidents outside of the litter box, which was very atypical. She was not eating or drinking, which again was very unusual. (She is a “foodie” if I every met one, and she loves her meal time. She vocalizes to me with a loud “Meow!” to feed her each morning and afternoon when I walk near her bowl.) She was hiding in our basement behind a door to avoid being touched, another new and alarming behavior.

We decided to take her to the vet ER, as of course, this occurred on a Sunday evening when the vet offices were not open. And the check in process was adjusted and different due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and I needed to drop her off in the parking lot and wait in my car. (I fortunately never had to take her to the vet ER, so this was all new territory for me.) After an evaluation behind closed doors, I received a call from the vet with news I dreaded deep down but hoped and prayed that I would not get: they found a large mass in Pixie’s abdomen. And malignancy (cancer) was high on the list of possibilities.

Given how sick she was, and not eating or drinking or not acting normally, I opted to have her stay overnight for further testing and IV hydration. The testing confirmed a mass, and likely again cancer and namely lymphoma was most suspected. Surgery would not solve this, and other therapy (for example, chemotherapy) would be options, but not a definitive cure. We opted to stop further testing, and instead pursue a palliative approach, as aggressive testing and therapy would not really prolong life much longer, perhaps 6 months. (And from my experience seeing testing and therapy in humans for malignancy, I could foresee this route of aggressive medical therapy giving lesser quality of life, with only slight increase in quantity of life.) This was a difficult decision but one we felt was best for Pixie.

Since this unhappy event, I personally have taken life more seriously and have been reminded it is delicate. I cherish all of my time with my cat and all the people I love. Luckily, with a prescription prednisolone (a steroid) daily, and the IV hydration in the vet hospital, our cat’s life has approached a bit of normalcy. I have noticed she more content now to sit and sleep a bit more, and seems less active than usual. But she is back to using her litter box normally, and eating and drinking again. She is purring and begging for pets when it (again) suits her. We are spoiling her more with her favorites (more tuna, cream, and cat treats). She still has a limited prognosis, but her quality of life seems good. And we get some time to be with her and a more gradual way to say goodbye.

One our our cat’s favorite poses, one I call “Time to Sunbathe.”

This experience has highlighted to me that life is unfortunately not forever. It will be my children’s first lesson with death, which is a very difficult topic. We have discussed this with my daughter and son as foreshadowing of what is to come, but I am sure the actual ending will be hard for all of us. The pandemic also runs parallel to this, and I think this has given me more to ponder about life and death, and all of what we can control and cannot. It is not a fun topic to think about. But this reminder that life is finite has reminded me to enjoy life each day as it comes, and to live in the moment.

A Simple Wish As A Mom: Raising Kids Who Love Others and Are Loved in Return

I think all parents strive to teach their kids to love others.  The golden rule is often something we try to instill in our kids: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all…

I think all parents strive to teach their kids to love others.  The golden rule is often something we try to instill in our kids: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all simply followed this maxim?  I think a lot of conflicts and disagreements could be solved a lot easier and with a lot less pain and negativity.)   Often I teach my kids to love others by correcting their actions when they aren’t in line with social norms.  “Please share your toys.”  “Do not hit or bite others.”  “Take turns.”   I also try to do this through example.  (Sometimes, this idea of setting the example can be challenging, if I am not having the best day.  I try to remind myself, though, that those little impressionable faces are watching me.) . I think a big reason we try to teach kids to love others and treat them right is to “make the world a better place.”  And keep things calm and orderly.  Who wants conflict and arguing all the time?  The opposite is often preferred.  But I think a bigger driver for me in teaching my kids to love others is to create a way for our kids to be loved.

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I love these kids with all of my heart, for always.  I hope to teach them, too, to love others and follow the Golden Rule.

You cannot force others to like you, in spite of what the media may portray.  (You cannot always buy the right shoes, clothes, cars, or other “stuff” to get others to respect and love you. That won’t stop the commercials, though, from appealing to your desire to “fit in.”) . Some people like you, some people don’t.  But you can certainly tilt the table in your favor if you are simply nice to others.  As the old saying goes, “What goes around, comes around.”  I think the scariest thing to think about as a parent is the fact that your child will one day be on their own.  And someday, you won’t always be there for them, be it because they are independent and are out on the real world, or you have passed on to the next life.  Scary and humbling for sure.

My simple wish for my kids, that I think underlies all of my actions with them as a mom, is to make sure they love others, and thus, in return, I hope they will be loved, too.  I want them to have friends and support.  When they are little, the support and loving environment is set up for them, and me, my husband, and our collection of supportive family (e.g. aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas) all love my kids to pieces.  As my children get older and start getting into the school system (Maddie is already there!), this circle expands. Teachers, classmates, bus drivers, staff, coaches.  I think this mimics our entry into the “real world” as well.  Each year and each step along the way toward becoming an “adult,” we are introduced to a bigger social circle and more variables when it comes to “fitting in” to the world.  It is scary.  But it is also an opportunity to gain support and community.

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Mmmm…chocolate covered pretzels! Even more delicious, though, are these cute smiles and the sibling love I see in this photo.

I think another challenge I set for myself as a parent is trying to balance sensitivity and confidence in my children.  I want my child to be in tune with others’ emotions.  This is no easy task, and one that is learned through trial and error and nurturing our emotional intelligence.  I am sure we all know some adults who could learn to be more sensitive.  At the same time, though, we do not want our children to be over-sensitive, and afraid to engage in social situations.  This takes practice, and I still struggle with this concept.  A counterpoint, then, to sensitivity, in my mind, would be self confidence.  I would want my children to have a nice balance of the two qualities in their personalities: sensitivity and self confidence.  What is the right ratio of the two?  I have no idea.  I have a feeling it is different for different people and different personalities.  I am sure parenting (and life) would be a lot easier if we knew how to navigate social and emotional situations better.  Where is the instruction manual for parenting, and for life? I think, though, by my reflection on this topic and being mindful of this goal, I will better nurture both of these qualities in my children.  I hope, too, I am also working to develop these two qualities in myself.  As a physician, I see how both sensitivity and a sense of self-confidence are crucial to delivering good quality, yet compassionate, care.  Too much of one or the other is not a good thing.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So again, this is my simple, but challenging, wish I have for my children.  I will love my children with all of my heart, forever.  That will not change.  But some day, I hope that by my example and by my gentle guidance, they will be good and loving to others in all they do.  It will ideally be an auto-pilot kind of behavior, that is, to be nice to others, and I won’t need to be sitting over their shoulder making sure they are doing the right thing.  They will be sensitive to the needs of others, and yet confident in their own abilities and actions to get things done, and not be overburdened by fear or self doubt.  And, I hope that by being loving and caring to others, good karma will come around and they will be loved in return, even after I am gone.

 

Make Work Optional…A Lofty But Inspiring Goal

My daughter insightfully declared a few weeks ago…”I wish you didn’t have to work.”  That simple, innocent statement stuck with me since.  I think this occurred after I explained I was too tired to do something with her that she wanted to do.  Kids really pick up on associations quickly, huh?  Work steals away some of my time and energy, and thus takes away some of the time and energy I have to devote to my family.  I replied honestly that I wish I didn’t have to work either.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful, having financial security to thus regain time back with those you love?

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Hoping for more carefree times like this with my little gal.

As I explained in my post about financial independence, I think I have found a really neat life tool to get to my desire to make work optional.  I am one that always needs things to do.  I like to make “To Do” lists on my phone or in my journal, and I like to keep planning ahead for the future.  So I don’t think I will ever sit still too long. However, as my daughter alluded to, work prevents me often from doing what I would rather be doing.  One huge value and priority in my life is family and nurturing my relationships with my family members.  And often my 8 hour work day takes away from that. It would be nice to have more flexibility to instead work say part time, and set my schedule myself for when I would want to work.

I read a great book on this very topic, that is financial independence and making work optional, a few months ago: Work Optional: Retire Early the Non-Penny-Pinching Way, by Tanja Hester.  I would recommend this read to anyone wanting to learn more about financial independence.  I really liked how the author spelled out a pathway to learning your values and priorities and life, and then extrapolating how financial independence can give you the power to then create the type of life you want.  She also spells out some math on how to achieve this, including the calculators for determining your needed “Financial independence” number (i.e. 25x your annual spending) that I have described in my financial independence post, and other authors in the financial independence community have also described.

woman wearing grey long sleeved top photography
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

I like her different take on buckets of money for those pursuing early retirement as well, with some funds preserved to be used true older retirement (i.e. after age 59 1/2 or 60) and other funds you plan to use in early retirement (i.e. in your 30s, 40s, and/or 50s).  There are ways to tap into your retirement savings earlier with the Roth IRA conversion ladder technique (see an explanation of this topic here), but I appreciated the author’s idea of keeping your funds separate.  After all, one great fear of any retiree is if you will run out of money.  It would not be pretty or pleasant to have to return to work in your 50s or 60s, after being out of the workforce for several years.  Indeed, it would be challenging, and you could not re-enter the workforce at the same place you left.  Given your gap in working, several employers would likely question your motives or your competence.  And you would probably need to either take a paycut and start lower down in your chosen career path, or pick a different line of work with less pay.

By separating out your funds that way, you can better control for future ups and downs in your spending needs and the market. Things taking a turn for the worse in your investments?  Having different buckets would mean your age 60+ funds are still left alone to grow and regain things (hopefully) in the future when the market rebounds.  But to compensate, you can use your early retirement funds more wisely and more frugally, e.g. taking out a smaller percentage e.g. 3-3.5%, and perhaps taking on a side gig to compensate.

I have also read some other books on the topic, including Financial Freedom: A Proven Path to All the Money You Will Ever Need, by Grant Sabatier, and Quit Like a Millionaire: No Gimmicks, Luck, or Trust Fund Required, by Kristy Shen and Bryce Leung.  All of these authors have different ways they approached their journeys to financial independence and achieved it, and offer their own advice to readers who want to follow the pathway, too.   I think all of these different perspectives show there are multiple pathways to get to where you want to go with the financial independence journey.  In fact, this shows there are multiple answers sometimes to one problem.

My current finances do not allow me to stop working just yet, or go part time (which is a less scary path I am considering in the near future).  However, I think hearing my daughter’s wish the other day, “I wish you didn’t have to work,” rekindled my commitment in my path to achieving financial independence. Getting to a point where work is optional would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  If something were to happen where I did need to quit, or the market were to change and my job security were to be lost, having that power of financial independence would be so freeing and empowering.  I could foresee in the future that the challenge of balancing it all as a busy doctor mom and working mom could get to be too much.  Right now, I feel that I am happy in my current roles and in my current busy life, but this may not always be the case.

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I love this happy kid! I hope to prioritize my life and time to spend more time with those I love most, namely my husband and kids.

I think I’ll remind myself of my daughter’s innocent statement (“I wish you didn’t have to work!”) each time I analyze my finances and my path to financial independence.  It is important to look at where you are, but it is important also to see where you are going, and to live this life intentionally and with purpose.   My pursuit of financial independence, I feel, is my tool to regaining control over my life and my time.

What My Perfect Day Would Look Like

It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like.  I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day.  Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc.  It is important to accept the imperfections in life.  But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like.  If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you.  You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day.  Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of.  And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.

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A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.

At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:

Wake up when I felt like it.

No alarms. No need to get up at a set time.  I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired.  Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in.  But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!

alone bed bedroom blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Exercise in the morning.

I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh.  This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better.  With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning.  It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.

Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.

I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate.  I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying.  I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like.  Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.

Time and energy to spend with my family.

Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work.  I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love.  It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.

Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.

My days are busy and jampacked.  Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out.  I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself.  And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like?  What did I hate?  What will I try to repeat again in the future?  What will I try to avoid?  I think that could be accomplished via self reflection,  journaling, or talking through my day with my husband.  But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.

Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.

I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night.  Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not.  Should I be getting more? Probably.  But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do.  In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep.  And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.

turned on silver macbook on white bed
Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”

I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do.  And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes).  I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep.  Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day,  I feel like I have accomplished a lot.  My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it.  Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate.  As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.

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Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.

Setting Priorities

“I like playing.  I like chores more.  And I love my family the best.”  Wow – the wisdom in those words really resounded within me.  

At bedtime a few weeks ago, my daughter told me something very insightful.  I forget how we got on the topic, but she explained to me, so succinctly but so beautifully: “I like playing.  I like chores more.  And I love my family the best.”  Wow – the wisdom in those words really resounded within me.

Luca and magnet blocks
Sometimes life can seem as helter skelter as a toddler with blocks strewn across the living room floor. Snapping the pieces together into some sort of structure can be hard. But by setting priorities, I think that sometimes disorder can be turned into something pleasing and structured.

My daughter’s life priorities: 3) Play.  Indeed, play IS important. It is how kids learn about their world and their own abilities.  It is often how I rest, rejuvenate, and get inspiration.   2)  Work.  She is still stepping into some roles around the house of chores. She is very eager to help and celebrate the fruits of her labor.  And I see how proud she is also of the work she does each day during her school day.  1) Family and relationships.  Without these connections and the people in our lives, I too would find life a bit less meaningful.  Having the relationships I have with my husband, kids, and extended family adds richness and happiness to my life.  There are of course times when those people I love drive me a little crazy.  Is there really always a need for my two children to take out every single toy and then play with just one as the mess/clutter/post-tornado look surrounds my children?  But I think my daughter has learned at a young age to see priorities.

Ranking things in life and recognizing their importance is crucial.  It allows me personally to take a step back and see what I truly value.  Like my daughter, I agree with the ranking she set forth: Relationships and Family, Work, and Play.  As my life evolves, and as I and my family age, these rankings may change.  But I think by taking a “big picture” view of life helps me attack each moment and each day with more vigor and meaning.  How easy it is to get fixated on the mundane of life.  The “to do” list checkboxes that feel good to cross off the list, but really, does it add to the things I value? Is it really that important to get my email box to zero each day?  Or is it a little more important to spend 20 minutes with my daughter one on one, playing a board game, or playing outside and enjoying the sunshine together.

I think one thing that is hard but very insightful is to think how you want to be remembered in life.  I believe I gained this idea after listening to Chip Gaines’ audiobook, Capital Gaines.  He posed the idea of writing your own epithet or message on your tombstone.  I think this really helped me to see my actions and how they could be viewed in the long term view of my life, as viewed through the eyes of my family and those around me.  It is a helpful and eye opening exercise, one that I find difficult but insightful.

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Enjoy the good things in life. Work hard but find time to play. And drink something yummy.

I want to be remembered as a caring mother and wife, a caring and competent clinician, and someone who knows how to enjoy life.  I am still trying to figure out how to balance it all.  Life is always so full of challenges and can get sometimes insanely busy.  And I am still trying to figure out the right ratios of all of these things in my life to keep it balanced.  But I am really impressed that my daughter, too, has a basic idea of what she values, and that her priorities mirror my own.  I hope to keep my daughter’s example in mind as I live each day to its fullest.  I also hope that I am able to keep this insightful perspective on what truly matters in life, and that my actions and choices each day reflect what I truly value.

Love: Time Flies When You Are Having Fun

10 Years Have Flown By!

My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this month!  We were figuring out the math, and we have been together since our freshman year in college, 18 years ago.  Half of our lifetimes have been spent together! Going forward, we will have been together longer than we have been apart.  It is hard to believe that much time has already passed.  Just goes to show how fast time can pass us by.

I think we get along well as a team.  Our strength is that we are mature and respectful when making communal decisions together as a family unit. I am also proud of our strong friendship.  We are conscientious and systematic when coming together to discuss big life decisions, e.g. where to live, what to do with our money or possessions, when to have kids.  I am proud of our children, our two little, amazing, miraculous creations.  We are raising them together each and every day.  Parenting is not an easy job, but it is incredibly rewarding.  Our children are adorable and amusing, which definitely helps bring some humor and happiness into our lives.

These two little hooligans are “out of this world” adorable.

Spending Time Together One-on-One

To prevent our relationship from becoming too monotonous and revolving around kids (a common trap I think for young parents), I have been striving to explicitly schedule date afternoons/nights together for the past few months.  Sometimes it is a movie, and/or dinner, sometimes its just going home and sitting quietly for a few hours without little voices intruding into our minds.

Occasionally life gets busy, and we miss a week or two, but having this to look forward to now and then definitely brings some fun into our lives, and helps to nurture our connection to one another.  We do try to get the kids to bed at a decent hour each night (quite a challenge in and of itself). With that, we get an hour or so, sometimes more, of adult time in the late evening.  But by that point, fatigue has set in, so the quality of time together is not always the best.  Getting additional “together time” outside of that, with some fun “dates” is crucial and rejuvenating.

Respecting Our Differences

I think one other thing we do well is spending some time separately, pursuing things that we are passionate about.  I think we have a lot in common, with common goals in life, but at the same time, we are two separate people and we don’t need to do everything together the same way.

One lesson that I’ve learned recently is trying to seek out a viewpoint outside of your own.   Abraham Lincoln is a pivotal example of this in how he selected his cabinet.  He included several of his political opponents and critics to aid in his decisions; instead of looking for constant harmony, he invited differences of opinion with so varied a group of cabinet members.  Being too keen to seek out things that confirm your own thoughts and feelings is a form of bias, and does not always lead to the “best” decision or the most accurate answer.  Often, this leads you to being stuck in your same way of thinking that may be wrong.  And it does not allow you to pursue improvement and a growth mindset, instead allowing you to continue in a fixed mindset, which is not optimal for self improvement.

I think that my husband and I recognize we can have differing opinions, and we still love and respect each other.  And having this difference actually makes for better decision making and more interesting and varied relationship.

10 Years, and Counting…

I think we have been very blessed and fortunate in our married lives so far, without any enormous storms or hugely debilitating challenges.  We have had some, don’t get me wrong, but we are blessed more than others.  But at the same time, if/when a challenge will blow our way, I think we have a strong, loving, respectful relationship that will help to carry us through.  I think that when an obstacle or problem comes up, we are able to approach it in a careful, systematic way.

Our two children are quickly growing up I know parenting is a struggle at times, but I learn so much by being a mom, and I think my relationship with my husband is different, but stronger, because of our children.

I know we are still young in our relationship, but at the same time, we are no longer the newbies and newlyweds we were 10 years ago.    We are more mature, with just a few gray hairs and wrinkles to prove it.  And we have plenty of photographs documenting our memories.  A decade is quite some time to be together with someone.  I feel so much gratitude each and every day for finding and marrying my soulmate and best friend.  I look forward to what the future has in store for us, and will strive to never take our love for granted.