I think all parents strive to teach their kids to love others. The golden rule is often something we try to instill in our kids: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all simply followed this maxim? I think a lot of conflicts and disagreements could be solved a lot easier and with a lot less pain and negativity.) Often I teach my kids to love others by correcting their actions when they aren’t in line with social norms. “Please share your toys.” “Do not hit or bite others.” “Take turns.” I also try to do this through example. (Sometimes, this idea of setting the example can be challenging, if I am not having the best day. I try to remind myself, though, that those little impressionable faces are watching me.) . I think a big reason we try to teach kids to love others and treat them right is to “make the world a better place.” And keep things calm and orderly. Who wants conflict and arguing all the time? The opposite is often preferred. But I think a bigger driver for me in teaching my kids to love others is to create a way for our kids to be loved.
You cannot force others to like you, in spite of what the media may portray. (You cannot always buy the right shoes, clothes, cars, or other “stuff” to get others to respect and love you. That won’t stop the commercials, though, from appealing to your desire to “fit in.”) . Some people like you, some people don’t. But you can certainly tilt the table in your favor if you are simply nice to others. As the old saying goes, “What goes around, comes around.” I think the scariest thing to think about as a parent is the fact that your child will one day be on their own. And someday, you won’t always be there for them, be it because they are independent and are out on the real world, or you have passed on to the next life. Scary and humbling for sure.
My simple wish for my kids, that I think underlies all of my actions with them as a mom, is to make sure they love others, and thus, in return, I hope they will be loved, too. I want them to have friends and support. When they are little, the support and loving environment is set up for them, and me, my husband, and our collection of supportive family (e.g. aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas) all love my kids to pieces. As my children get older and start getting into the school system (Maddie is already there!), this circle expands. Teachers, classmates, bus drivers, staff, coaches. I think this mimics our entry into the “real world” as well. Each year and each step along the way toward becoming an “adult,” we are introduced to a bigger social circle and more variables when it comes to “fitting in” to the world. It is scary. But it is also an opportunity to gain support and community.
I think another challenge I set for myself as a parent is trying to balance sensitivity and confidence in my children. I want my child to be in tune with others’ emotions. This is no easy task, and one that is learned through trial and error and nurturing our emotional intelligence. I am sure we all know some adults who could learn to be more sensitive. At the same time, though, we do not want our children to be over-sensitive, and afraid to engage in social situations. This takes practice, and I still struggle with this concept. A counterpoint, then, to sensitivity, in my mind, would be self confidence. I would want my children to have a nice balance of the two qualities in their personalities: sensitivity and self confidence. What is the right ratio of the two? I have no idea. I have a feeling it is different for different people and different personalities. I am sure parenting (and life) would be a lot easier if we knew how to navigate social and emotional situations better. Where is the instruction manual for parenting, and for life? I think, though, by my reflection on this topic and being mindful of this goal, I will better nurture both of these qualities in my children. I hope, too, I am also working to develop these two qualities in myself. As a physician, I see how both sensitivity and a sense of self-confidence are crucial to delivering good quality, yet compassionate, care. Too much of one or the other is not a good thing.
So again, this is my simple, but challenging, wish I have for my children. I will love my children with all of my heart, forever. That will not change. But some day, I hope that by my example and by my gentle guidance, they will be good and loving to others in all they do. It will ideally be an auto-pilot kind of behavior, that is, to be nice to others, and I won’t need to be sitting over their shoulder making sure they are doing the right thing. They will be sensitive to the needs of others, and yet confident in their own abilities and actions to get things done, and not be overburdened by fear or self doubt. And, I hope that by being loving and caring to others, good karma will come around and they will be loved in return, even after I am gone.