I’ve been engaged in the Headspace course, “Managing Stress” in the last few weeks. At first, they start you out light with brief 5 minute meditation sessions, and a few other short videos and breathing exercises each day. Now into the third week, the sessions have lengthened to 10-15 minutes. It sounds a bit hard to believe that such a short session each day can help you. However, I have found that my calmness meter and my “cloak of resilience” has strengthened over these last few weeks.
In our winter “cloaks” to block out the cold, while enjoying beautiful leg lamps to christen the Christmas season. I hope my developing “cloak of resilience” (thanks to meditation) will continue to keep me “warm” and calm.
Little things that would irritate me matter much less, and seem to bounce off of me instead of sticking with me. I have a better perspective on the “big picture” and I am less caught up on little things that used to bother me. The course encourages other ways to boost stress management, including exercise, mindful eating, a gratitude practice, and journaling. I am still in the middle of the course, but I feel myself building a superpower – a superpower of managing my emotions. I am still learning and nowhere near a master. However, I plan to keep building my “meditation muscle”. It is not easy or comfortable. But it is very inspiring to monitor myself and how I feel, and see how I am already emotionally flourishing.
As a parent, I hope to instill in my children an appreciation and respect for flexibility. With this, I am talking about mental and emotional flexibility, though physical flexibility is to be respected and is something to strive for too. (Though I admit, my mental flexibility far surpasses my physical flexibility at this time. My physical flexibility is yet another thing I need to improve upon. My kids can likely teach me a thing or two!) I am by no means an expert in flexibility, but I truly value the skill of “going with the punches” and being able to bend to adapt to whatever situation I am in.
Teaching each other the fine art of cartwheels (which require grace, poise, and of course, flexibility).
I think patience is another valuable skill closely related to flexibility. Without patience, you can easily lose your cool and waste negative energy wishing and ranting for things to be a different way. Instead, being more accepting of a situation helps you better tackle whatever challenge are coming your way. And in addition, flexibility, over rigidity, is definitely key to overcoming life’s challenges.
A good way I try to show this to my children is by helping them navigate their afternoon routines. It never seems to go to plan to get all their homework and afternoon activities done in the exact order I plan. Instead of panicking or being upset by this, I feel it is way more productive (and less dramatic) to accept the events as they come, and simply tackle the next step when you can. This teaches grace under pressure, but also helps them navigate the fine art of time management. Time is truly valuable to me, a finite resource you cannot get back, and I hope to train my children to better utilize the time they have. Being young, I can see that time feels infinite and plentiful. Perhaps though as we get older, we start to see the reality of the finite aspects of time, and that it is a gift to be cherished.
One thing that has helped me tremendously with flexibility is goal setting, and trying to prioritize my goals. I try to set up to 3 goals per day, and prioritize them. If I can get at least one of them done, as I planned it, I am pleased. Getting all 3 is a nice bonus, but if I cannot get to all 3, I try to be more accepting of this, particularly if I got my #1 goal done. I won’t totally abandon those other goals, but I try to look forward in my week and see where they can fit.
Again, this is a lifelong pursuit to be more flexible and patient. But I hope that I can guide my children how to do this well, by giving advice and by setting the example. With these two invaluable tools of flexibility and patience, I can foresee my children being valuable members of a workplace, a family, and a team. They will be productive and well respected, and I think they will be well adjusted and more satisfied with their lives and accomplishments.
I have gave the sleep energy tracker app, Rise, a try, and have found it insightful into my energy patterns. The app lists my energy peaks and dips throughout the day, depending on when I go to bed and when I wake up. I can compare what these graphs show and how I feel, and I find it interesting how it shifts depending on the amount and quality of sleep I get the days before. The app makes the argument that you can catch up on sleep (though I have read in other places this is not possible). So it encourages me to go to bed a bit earlier for a few days here or there to catch up, or to catch a quick cat nap in my afternoon lulls.
Our cat, Oscar, sure knows how to catch a nap on a comfy, sleeping Luca.
Instead of fighting my tired times in the early afternoon (that “afternoon slump” we all are familiar with), I see them as times now to get mundane and simpler tasks done, like packing lunches, putting away laundry, and answering simple emails. I admit now that those times are not the ideal time for a creative process or a process that takes a lot of brain power. And when I get a chance, I take the app’s suggestion and try to do a short burst of exercise like a brisk walk or (if I be so lucky that the stars align!) a short nap.
As I am getting older, I see the value of being more in tune with my body and its energy tank. The energy tank is not infinite, sad but true, and getting older I think this gets more and more apparent. I have tried often (particularly when I was in a younger, more spry state of mind) to push through my tired spells. But in the long run, working or pushing while tired often yields less quality results for me. And I just feel crabbier and unhappy.
I think the hardest thing to accept is that I do need more sleep than I grant myself. This is something I am working on improving. In an ideal situation, I think I would go to bed when my kids go to bed. But there are always more tasks and chores (and good books to read) left on my to do list that I try to squeeze in. I need to learn to accept that it is okay to leave things undone, and give in to my body’s melatonin window and let sleep overtake me.
I can see my “sleep debt” in the app that is the sleep I am behind on. It is almost always (sadly) negative, except when I was on a nice, restful vacation. (I guess there is hope someday when I retire!) I can see how that affects my mood and my mental energies, and it gives me motivation to squeeze in my tasks and “to do” list items in the dead spaces in my schedule earlier in the day, particularly when I have my peak energy.
My goal in the next few weeks and months is to see my sleep debt (hopefully) stay lower, and see how my energy and productivity and efficiency increase. In addition, I hope to see my mood in interacting with my friends and family improving. Sleep is the wonder drug. It is free, but often overlooked. I hope to really harness its power in the coming weeks and months in my quest to be a better steward for my time and energy each and every day.
Endurance running as my training ground to help me face life’s inevitable pain and adversity with grace and strength. Life has pain. Life has heartache. There are wars, there is famine and poverty, and there is injustice in this world. Of course I wish there were no challenges and heartaches in life. But this sadly is not our reality.
Looking strong on a straightaway. Don’t get too complacent…there are plenty of Pittsburgh hills to tackle ahead!
In a parenting podcast I was listening to today, Zen Parenting Radio, the hosts talked about a common theme in parenting in the last couple of decades of protecting and shielding our children from pain. I agree with the discussion that this is a disservice to our children. Of course we will all face challenges and setbacks. I agree it is better to help kids navigate their way through heartache and challenge, rather than eliminating anything negative from their lives. As in running, there will be miles that hurt and are harder than others. There are times you will want to quit. Rather than giving up and going home, though, I strive to push through. This, I think, helps me improve my strength and stamina to face life’s challenges, too. And I hope, that by setting a good example, I can teach my kids that the goal in life is not avoiding pain. It is hitting it head on with a mindset of creativity, perseverance, and grit. Get through it, survive, and this too shall pass.
Like everyone else, I have faced challenges in life. Anyone perceiving that life is easy or without setbacks is clearly off base. I wish that life was not always so hard or painful, but it is impossible to go through life without setbacks. These setbacks, in retrospect, make the happier and positive days that much greater.
The biggest setback for me in my life was being sued several years ago. Do I wish this never happened? Absolutely. If I could go back in time and erase that entire situation from my life, I would do so in a heartbeat. And I wish that no one ever has to go through that situation. It is unfortunately a true and ever present specter in our American litigious society. It made me feel less than. It made me feel betrayed. It gave me indescribable shame. Should such a situation do this, though? Being sued as a physician is seldom discussed, I feel, due to the negative feelings it evokes. It took me many months to heal from this event, but I have come to accept that I cannot control another person’s perceptions or another person’s view of a situation. I can only control my own actions and my own perceptions. I have power over my own thoughts and my own emotional health. I can study and I can read and attend courses. I can work hard. I can exercise and care for my body and mind. I can devote my time and energy to perfecting my personal growth. I cannot be perfect. But I can own my own actions, thoughts, and emotions, and I can use these to positively shape my perceptions and mindset.
The setback of being sued, however, did teach me to persevere. You must face pain and adversity head on. In the toughest of situations, survival is the only choice you have. You face your challenges, and you learn to forgive and let live. You learn to hold on to all that will serve you and help you grow. You let go of anything that does not make you a better person. You take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time, one year at a time. It is still an indelible memory on my psyche and definitely shook my confidence and feeling of self-worth. It will always be with me. I hope, though, in spite of all of its negative connotations, it will shape me into a caring physician, an empathetic mom, a devoted wife, and a compassionate friend. I hope I can teach others that through resilience and vulnerability, you can persevere through all of life’s challenges.
You can wish and hope that a painful situation does not stand before you. Believe me, I have tried. But wishing and praying will not make it go away. You must often hit it head on, face that awful situation, and know that tomorrow, the sun will rise again. Another day will come. Your children and your family will still need and love you. Another patient will appreciate and value the care you provide. Life goes on. I have accepted the fact that this situation will always be a part of my past. As time goes on, I see that the situation was like a fire, forging my resolve and my strength. It could have destroyed me and brought me down, but instead, I feel it built me up and made me that much stronger.
I know nothing in this life is perfect. I can simply exude confidence and work hard each and every day. I show up each day at work, ready to do my job. I can show others empathy and patience, and I strive to give all of my patients a kind and listening ear. I try each day to share my knowledge and skills with the world. I hope also, that in the process of living my life with strength and fortitude, I can set an example for my children that life is hard, but you can and will survive. Through practice and grit and determination, you can persevere through life’s challenges, and come out of the battle a stronger and better person each and every time.
I am finding it challenging to stay motivated during this COVID-19 pandemic. The lack of in person races is particularly a roadblock for me with my exercise goals. I would use the act of signing up for races as a motivation to start and stick with a new training plan. The training plan would be added to my calendar, providing a framework each week for my exercise. This exercise would help develop me physically but also help improve my mental health, as a form of moving meditation, time away from others and being alone, and improving my self-esteem by achieving little goals (achieving “X” amount of miles per week, doing 2 strength workouts per week, etc).
I miss the fun of in person races and adding completed races to my lifelong list if accomplishments. I have tried virtual races before and now, but I feel these just are not the same for me. When the time comes to safely return to in person races, I will truly cherish this. Toeing the line and running with others is a fun challenge that I miss right now.
One thing that is keeping me going is envisioning the fun that will be had returning to an in person race. I will value the first race back. Lining up at the start line. Reveling in the prerace festivities. Running the race and enjoying the camaraderie of fellow runners. And best of all, crossing the finish line and feeling a large sense of accomplishment after finishing not just the race, but the several week training plan prior to ensure a successful race. I hope this gratitude and appreciation will carry forward in the future as well, as it truly is a gift to have events together with others.
Though I cannot race in person right now, something that I have found helpful is setting a small but doable goal each week. My current goal is to do 3-4 workouts per week. This is a far cry from my prior intense marathon training plans that sometimes entailed 5-6 workouts per week, each often averaging 1-2 hours in length. But setting a doable goal has helped me set my mental and physical health a priority each week. And achieving “checkboxes” each week has helped me stay motivated.
I look forward to a return to “normal” times in the future. But in the mean time, adjusting to a change of pace via smaller doable goals is my way of staying on track. And this COVID-19 pandemic, though challenging, scary, and different, has afforded me more time to slow down, which is a much needed reprieve for this busy mom.
I have accomplished my longstanding financial goal this year: I have paid off my student loans! $230,000 of debt is gone. (Insert happy dance here!) I still have a hard time comprehending this achievement and still find myself subconsciously worrying how much debt I have left. I (happily) remind myself that my student loan balance is now $0. This, of course, is a tough time for many financially with the COVID-19 pandemic. I count myself very blessed and fortunate that my family is still financially stable and gainfully employed at least for the moment. I think this pandemic has us that anything can change at the drop of a hat, be it in our financial life, our health status, or our careers.
Goal of Defeating My Student Loans in 2020: Snailed It!
I think the greatest benefit from this goal has been a lightness in my soul. This is invaluable, and something hard to describe. I think it took me a good 8-10 weeks to reach full acceptance of this state, and fully embracing this new feeling. Having loans for 13 years (starting from onset of med school in 2007), i.e. 4 years as a medical student, 3 years as a medical resident, for 6 years as an attending (i.e. a physician receiving a full income) has reframed my outlook in life and my behaviors and financial habits. I feel this training in being careful and responsible with finances has been a great side benefit as well.
As emergency medicine physician and personal finance writer Dr. Jim Dahle urges his readers, it is crucial to live like a resident to accomplish this elimination of debt, the sooner the better. The longer you wait and keep this debt on, the less you will appreciate the pricey medical school education you received. Out of sight, out of mind. The shiny fancy diploma does “lose its luster” unfortunately with time.
Now, I get to figure out my next financial goals, and to allow for more enjoyment of my wealth. And I must next work on the process of reducing and eliminating the guilt or fear I would feel with spending money. It is a strange and new feeling to let go of an invisible and insistent push to put as many funds toward student loans each and every month.
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems…
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems surreal what is happening to all of us.
Embrace the changing landscape, even if it includes a new virus. Or leopards.
The initial phase of quarantine was very hard for my family and me. My children were home from school and daycare. My husband also had times of working from home. Luckily, I am working from home with my job, and I am incredibly grateful for this. If I had to go out, I would constantly worry about my risks of contracting COVID-19 as a physician in an office, a hospital, or nursing home. There would likely be a need to isolate myself from my family. As I hug and kiss my family members each day, I remind myself of my special blessed situation working as a telemedicine physician full time, in my own home office each and every day.
As the nation begins to slowly reopen, it has also been difficult to see the spike in cases and the worry and angst this brings to all of us. I try to remind myself constantly, however, to control what I can control, and leave and let be other things I cannot.
I can wear a mask. I can practice frequent hand washing. I can social distance as often as is feasibly possible, limiting time out among strangers. If I get sick (which thankfully, I have not so far), I will stay home. I do this to keep myself and my loved ones safe, but also to do my part to protect others in the community.
Are these changes intrusive? At times and in ways, yes. It is hard not having usual activities, hard not to go out and do the things I am used to. Are they impossible to do? I do not think so. Yes, they can be challenging to maintain. This pandemic, however, is not finished.
The virus that causes COVID-19 is still out there, able to infect so many. It is incredibly contagious, and that is the public health concern and my worry as a physician. This contagious nature of the illness are what these measures (mask wearing, social distancing, frequent hand hygiene) are trying to combat. Until there is more definitive/effective therapy and hopefully prevention measures like a vaccine, this “new normal” will be here unfortunately for some time. It has been difficult for me to accept this, but I must. As above, I cannot control this pandemic, or make it go away. But I can control my thoughts and my actions. I can focus on keeping my mental health and physical health as optimized as possible. I can continue to live life in ways that keep me and my loved ones as safe and healthy as possible.
When I am hitting a rough patch in life, be it at work or on my running training plan, this phrase runs through my head: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” For me, I think this means you persevere in the face of challenges. If something is tough, you can become tough to rise to the challenge and meet that tough thing head on. Sure, there are some insurmountable challenges out there. But if you face them with grit and determination, I think you can accomplish a lot more than you think.
When the going gets tough, fight back! Also, as Maddie is so aptly demonstrating, making silly faces at the same time makes for a more fun experience.
A tough hill, for example, often breeds some discord in my mind. (There are plenty of hills in western Pennsylvania where I live, I can tell you that.) This hill is crazy. How am I supposed to get over that elevation? Ugh. This is too hard. When the negative self talk starts overtaking my thoughts, I take a deep breath, reset myself, and remind myself “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” This often helps me reframe my mind and powers me up the hill.
I think this can be an analogy to life as well. There are things I sometimes don’t want to do at work. Again, I think a bit to my running practice, and approaching a nasty hill, and mimic my behavior. I recenter myself, take a deep breath (or two, or three), and quiet my inner critic with the old adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I refocus my self talk then to be more motivational. I can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving. Concentrate on this one step. One two, one two. You’ve got this.
Practice doing hard things. And enjoy the lighter (and funnier) things in life along the way!
And the more I practice doing hard things, the easier it gets to take on the challenges. Sure, life is still hard. But by practicing steeling myself and doing the hard things anyway each and every day, I think I become a calmer, more patient human being. And I think I do become tougher the more I do hard things. The challenges in life are by no means a happy thing, and sometimes can crowd out the enjoyable things in life. But with these challenges, I see a way for me to become a better, stronger, tougher person. The going may get tough, that is a given. In spite of this, though, I will strive to meet the challenge head on, and keep going.
When my young toddler son was first mastering language, he used to have an amusing way of telling us he didn’t know something. He would say “I can’t know” if he didn’t know the answer to something we asked him, instead of “I don’t know. He has outgrown this to a degree, and now properly says “I don’t know” (and I miss his cute unintentional “toddler euphemism,” if you will).
“I can’t know” what is in this ice cream delicacy, but I DO know it is delicious. And very blue. (And coincidentally, it coordinates nicely with my outfit for the day. A fashionable bonus!)
But thinking further about this, his former answer of “I can’t know” can be a sign of humility and recognition of your own mental faculties. You can’t know everything. In spite of your best efforts to study and read and try to understand the world and all of its workings, it is impossible to be correct and right 100% of the time. And it is impossible to understand everything all of the time. This can be a hard pill for many of us to swallow. We like to have certainty in our lives. We like to have a better handle and understanding of the way this world works. It is liberating and truly wise, however, to recognize that there are things in this world that are beyond understanding.
I think realizing you have limitations is a powerful skill. Some may see this as weakness. But I think carrying a bias that you are invincible or all knowing as actually a weakness. It is foolhardy to think you know everything. This may harm others, or harm yourself. Take, for example, a doctor that feels they know all and treat their patient with what they feel is correct. But, in reality, the doctor is not up to date on the latest study or studies, and is practicing outdated medicine. It is good to be confident, but it is wrong to be overconfident.
I see my son’s statement as a short way to express humility. “I can’t know.” I can’t know the answer to every question. I can’t know all the latest news or studies. But I can look it up, or ask someone who does. I think humility is a mark of true wisdom. Humility is hard to come by sometimes. But I hope to instill this trait of humility in my children through example. I admire those with humility, as I can see these folks as acting confidently but also with a healthy realization that they have a lot to learn or a lot to improve on in life. We are all works in progress, and that is what makes life so challenging but interesting.
Life is about balance. A good metaphor for the balance between humility and confidence would be the balance of the cool, refreshing wetness of swimming, and the hot, warming phase of drying off and lounging beside the pool. Each are different and contrasting, but the balance of the two makes for a fun and memorable summer day!
It is important to have confidence, surely, as without it, I would not accomplish anything or finish any task set before me. I would be trapped in fear of the unknown or getting things wrong, or anxious that I would not be doing everything “just so.” However, a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence, I think, breeds success. By seeing where I can improve, I can then focus future actions on correcting that shortcoming. What is the right mix of the two (that is, humility and confidence)? I am sure it is different for different people and different situations. I believe the first step, though, is recognizing that both are worthwhile and important to balance in our lives and actions. And I will continue to try to exemplify this for my children as I take on my daily tasks as physician, wife, and mother.
It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like. I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day. Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc. It is important to accept the imperfections in life. But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like. If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you. You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day. Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of. And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.
At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:
Wake up when I felt like it.
No alarms. No need to get up at a set time. I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired. Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in. But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!
I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh. This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better. With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning. It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.
Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.
I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate. I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying. I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like. Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.
Time and energy to spend with my family.
Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work. I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love. It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.
Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.
My days are busy and jampacked. Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out. I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself. And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like? What did I hate? What will I try to repeat again in the future? What will I try to avoid? I think that could be accomplished via self reflection, journaling, or talking through my day with my husband. But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.
Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.
I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night. Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not. Should I be getting more? Probably. But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do. In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep. And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.
Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”
I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do. And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes). I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep. Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day, I feel like I have accomplished a lot. My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it. Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate. As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.
