I think it is hard to stay on point when a goal is long, huge, and/or challenging. Will this one day of chipping away at my goal make a huge dent in my goal? Probably not. But adding the chips together over many days, weeks, months, and years will.
While golfing recently with my husband, I was striving to “chip on” to the green. I am a beginner, so these short, low flighted shots I made were not perfect. A few though, did hit where I liked. I think this is a different way of using the term “chip” but I like how it reminds me that even short, nondramatic shots may a big difference in your goal (in golf, of course, it is a smaller score). As I keep practicing and playing, I can see that my chipping ability will also improve and this is important. Though chips are small shots, they are crucial to finishing a hole with a good score.
I try to remind myself of this when I think my small little act is not a “big deal.” It is best to keep at things over time to build an automatic habit, and keep chipping away at the goal. Thinking in more the big picture is helpful for me as I try to motivate myself to stick with acts that I know will be good for me. Exercising. Getting enough sleep. Eating in a healthier way. Reading and learning. Chores around the house. Practicing a musical instrument. Buying insurance. Establishing a will. Saving money. Paying off debt. Spending mindfully and on things that will be useful. Establishing a financial plan.
I think writing down my goals is also helpful, both for the short period (e.g. the day or the week), and for the longer term (e.g. the next 6 months or 12 months). I can then see how my small acts are actually chipping away at my much broader and desirable goal. It keeps things in perspective.
I think sticking with things is also good for setting an example for my children. Perseverance is a much respected skill but hard to cultivate. I think it takes practice. It is not natural to want to keep doing hard or painful things. But if I remind myself of the “big picture” and how this is helping me accomplish my bigger goals, I can override my natural comfort seeking behavior. I try to also celebrate wins and reflect back on what all my small acts together have accomplished.
My favorite season is now back…fall. The weather has been what feels like unseasonably warm so I am welcoming the promise of cooler, brisker weather. I am sprinkling some pumpkin spice in my coffee in the morning to celebrate the time of year. And the return of my favorite fall ale, Block House Pumpkin Ale, at the beverage store is a highlight for the season. I stocked up this year on a case, so I am happily well set on this fall staple.
I also appreciate how this time of year is a time for children to resume a new school year, so it feels like things are starting over. I know that January 1 is the beginning of the calendar year, but the fall for me feels like it is kicking off new beginnings.
I think also the fall is my favorite time of year as it kicks off a series of fun holidays for my little ones …Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love watching them get excited for these festivities, and it brings me back to a time when I too when get very excited for them. I do still enjoy the holidays, but they carry a more special kind of magic when you are a child.
As I go through September and into October, I tend to revisit my goals as well for the year, as this is the time of year of my work anniversary. Along with setting professional/work goals this time of year, I strive to come up with a personal goal or two to focus on, and I try to look back on how far I have come in the last year. I find it amazing how fast and slow time can go, seemingly at the same time. A week can drag on forever, but it feels like I am still in my 20s, but here I am approaching age 40. I look forward to the next couple of months of brisk (but not too cold yet!) weather, pumpkin ale, and reflecting on where I have been and where I hope to go in the next year.
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems…
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems surreal what is happening to all of us.
Embrace the changing landscape, even if it includes a new virus. Or leopards.
The initial phase of quarantine was very hard for my family and me. My children were home from school and daycare. My husband also had times of working from home. Luckily, I am working from home with my job, and I am incredibly grateful for this. If I had to go out, I would constantly worry about my risks of contracting COVID-19 as a physician in an office, a hospital, or nursing home. There would likely be a need to isolate myself from my family. As I hug and kiss my family members each day, I remind myself of my special blessed situation working as a telemedicine physician full time, in my own home office each and every day.
As the nation begins to slowly reopen, it has also been difficult to see the spike in cases and the worry and angst this brings to all of us. I try to remind myself constantly, however, to control what I can control, and leave and let be other things I cannot.
I can wear a mask. I can practice frequent hand washing. I can social distance as often as is feasibly possible, limiting time out among strangers. If I get sick (which thankfully, I have not so far), I will stay home. I do this to keep myself and my loved ones safe, but also to do my part to protect others in the community.
Are these changes intrusive? At times and in ways, yes. It is hard not having usual activities, hard not to go out and do the things I am used to. Are they impossible to do? I do not think so. Yes, they can be challenging to maintain. This pandemic, however, is not finished.
The virus that causes COVID-19 is still out there, able to infect so many. It is incredibly contagious, and that is the public health concern and my worry as a physician. This contagious nature of the illness are what these measures (mask wearing, social distancing, frequent hand hygiene) are trying to combat. Until there is more definitive/effective therapy and hopefully prevention measures like a vaccine, this “new normal” will be here unfortunately for some time. It has been difficult for me to accept this, but I must. As above, I cannot control this pandemic, or make it go away. But I can control my thoughts and my actions. I can focus on keeping my mental health and physical health as optimized as possible. I can continue to live life in ways that keep me and my loved ones as safe and healthy as possible.
When I am hitting a rough patch in life, be it at work or on my running training plan, this phrase runs through my head: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” For me, I think this means you persevere in the face of challenges. If something is tough, you can become tough to rise to the challenge and meet that tough thing head on. Sure, there are some insurmountable challenges out there. But if you face them with grit and determination, I think you can accomplish a lot more than you think.
When the going gets tough, fight back! Also, as Maddie is so aptly demonstrating, making silly faces at the same time makes for a more fun experience.
A tough hill, for example, often breeds some discord in my mind. (There are plenty of hills in western Pennsylvania where I live, I can tell you that.) This hill is crazy. How am I supposed to get over that elevation? Ugh. This is too hard. When the negative self talk starts overtaking my thoughts, I take a deep breath, reset myself, and remind myself “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” This often helps me reframe my mind and powers me up the hill.
I think this can be an analogy to life as well. There are things I sometimes don’t want to do at work. Again, I think a bit to my running practice, and approaching a nasty hill, and mimic my behavior. I recenter myself, take a deep breath (or two, or three), and quiet my inner critic with the old adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I refocus my self talk then to be more motivational. I can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving. Concentrate on this one step. One two, one two. You’ve got this.
Practice doing hard things. And enjoy the lighter (and funnier) things in life along the way!
And the more I practice doing hard things, the easier it gets to take on the challenges. Sure, life is still hard. But by practicing steeling myself and doing the hard things anyway each and every day, I think I become a calmer, more patient human being. And I think I do become tougher the more I do hard things. The challenges in life are by no means a happy thing, and sometimes can crowd out the enjoyable things in life. But with these challenges, I see a way for me to become a better, stronger, tougher person. The going may get tough, that is a given. In spite of this, though, I will strive to meet the challenge head on, and keep going.
I heard a definition recently that middle age is 35-65. (I do think this a variable definition depending on what source you read. But after reflecting on this more in my life, I tend to agree this time frame may be a good definition.) Gulp. I am IN that age group. How did that happen? I truly did not realize I am already middle aged. Indeed, on further reflection, I agree I am in a different age group than young adulthood. I feel older, and in a different realm from my college years or early college graduate years (the fun and youthful “20s,” if you will). It is sometimes hard to accept, though, that time is marching on. And that I am older.
A sign I am getting older…your child holding a sign for the first day of 1st grade! These kids are growing like weeds!
I suppose in my mind I was thinking age 40 was a bigger milestone, and would accept myself into middle age then. I think that turning 40 will still be a big deal. I plan to celebrate that year grandly. Maybe a big trip. Or taking on a challenge of a different, crazy race. The Hood To Coast Relay, with its craziness and challenges, is appealing to me. (Any takers who want to join me?) But it still is a bit eye opening that I am already considered middle aged. A reminder that I am getting older, and I can’t stop time.
What does it mean to get older? I think it is a good thing and a bad thing. Your body gets older. You aren’t as flexible or as spry as you used to be. But you gain a ton of life experience. I feel that time is the best teacher for me. Practice in life has given me more confidence in myself and my abilities. Without life experience, I would not have the wherewithal to take on my job as a physician, wife, and mother. True, I am still relatively early on in life, and have a ton of living left to do. But it is humbling to think I am getting closer to the midway point than I may care to admit.
I think getting older gives me more past memories and experiences to look back on and draw from when making future decisions. I like looking back, too, at photos or memories and thinking about them. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that my daughter is now 6 years old. I see old photos from half a decade ago and wonder at how the years have marched on. I like to think, though, that I have filled those moments and years with good memories, particularly for my family.
Keep on trucking, or riding that train! (Embrace the mess and chaos.) . Time will keep on marching on. Getting older means getting wiser, and gaining memories and friends along the way. Enjoy the journey!
As the next several months and years unfold, I hope to continue to grow and adapt. I may not like getting older sometimes. Who likes wrinkles, or creaky knees, or aches and pains? But I do relish the memories and the knowledge I have gained with that time I’ve had thus far on this earth. Hello, middle age. I didn’t realize I already made it, but I am glad I am here.
When my young toddler son was first mastering language, he used to have an amusing way of telling us he didn’t know something. He would say “I can’t know” if he didn’t know the answer to something we asked him, instead of “I don’t know. He has outgrown this to a degree, and now properly says “I don’t know” (and I miss his cute unintentional “toddler euphemism,” if you will).
“I can’t know” what is in this ice cream delicacy, but I DO know it is delicious. And very blue. (And coincidentally, it coordinates nicely with my outfit for the day. A fashionable bonus!)
But thinking further about this, his former answer of “I can’t know” can be a sign of humility and recognition of your own mental faculties. You can’t know everything. In spite of your best efforts to study and read and try to understand the world and all of its workings, it is impossible to be correct and right 100% of the time. And it is impossible to understand everything all of the time. This can be a hard pill for many of us to swallow. We like to have certainty in our lives. We like to have a better handle and understanding of the way this world works. It is liberating and truly wise, however, to recognize that there are things in this world that are beyond understanding.
I think realizing you have limitations is a powerful skill. Some may see this as weakness. But I think carrying a bias that you are invincible or all knowing as actually a weakness. It is foolhardy to think you know everything. This may harm others, or harm yourself. Take, for example, a doctor that feels they know all and treat their patient with what they feel is correct. But, in reality, the doctor is not up to date on the latest study or studies, and is practicing outdated medicine. It is good to be confident, but it is wrong to be overconfident.
I see my son’s statement as a short way to express humility. “I can’t know.” I can’t know the answer to every question. I can’t know all the latest news or studies. But I can look it up, or ask someone who does. I think humility is a mark of true wisdom. Humility is hard to come by sometimes. But I hope to instill this trait of humility in my children through example. I admire those with humility, as I can see these folks as acting confidently but also with a healthy realization that they have a lot to learn or a lot to improve on in life. We are all works in progress, and that is what makes life so challenging but interesting.
Life is about balance. A good metaphor for the balance between humility and confidence would be the balance of the cool, refreshing wetness of swimming, and the hot, warming phase of drying off and lounging beside the pool. Each are different and contrasting, but the balance of the two makes for a fun and memorable summer day!
It is important to have confidence, surely, as without it, I would not accomplish anything or finish any task set before me. I would be trapped in fear of the unknown or getting things wrong, or anxious that I would not be doing everything “just so.” However, a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence, I think, breeds success. By seeing where I can improve, I can then focus future actions on correcting that shortcoming. What is the right mix of the two (that is, humility and confidence)? I am sure it is different for different people and different situations. I believe the first step, though, is recognizing that both are worthwhile and important to balance in our lives and actions. And I will continue to try to exemplify this for my children as I take on my daily tasks as physician, wife, and mother.
It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like. I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day. Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc. It is important to accept the imperfections in life. But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like. If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you. You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day. Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of. And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.
At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:
Wake up when I felt like it.
No alarms. No need to get up at a set time. I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired. Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in. But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!
I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh. This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better. With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning. It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.
Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.
I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate. I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying. I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like. Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.
Time and energy to spend with my family.
Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work. I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love. It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.
Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.
My days are busy and jampacked. Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out. I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself. And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like? What did I hate? What will I try to repeat again in the future? What will I try to avoid? I think that could be accomplished via self reflection, journaling, or talking through my day with my husband. But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.
Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.
I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night. Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not. Should I be getting more? Probably. But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do. In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep. And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.
Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”
I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do. And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes). I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep. Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day, I feel like I have accomplished a lot. My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it. Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate. As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.
My daughter was chanting this the other day, but making a funny word substitution…”Finders Keepers, Losers Sweepers.” I tried to correct her word substitution, but she insisted her way of saying this was correct. This amused me, of course. But it also got me thinking… What if she was on to something? Finders do keep what they have. But losers may gain something as well.
This little gal is enjoying some sugar on a summer day. It is truly enjoyable to time out of my busy life to revel in rest and rejuvenation with my children.
When you lose, you give something up. This may be a victory, or a possession. However, perhaps my daughter’s inadvertent statement opens up a possible role of a loss. When you are a loser, you “sweep away” whatever it was that you lost. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. Often, though, letting go of things in the long run can be good.
In our overcrowded, overstimulated, overfilled lives, I think we may need to learn to take a step back more often. Our digital lifestyles are connecting us to each other and to information more than I ever imagined growing up. But, this may be at a cost to our sanity and mental health. Indeed, many folks take digital detox breaks to reconnect with the simpler world.
As a telemedicine physician, I am connected to technology during my workday, and I love it. I enjoy connecting with patients around the country via this cool, new medium. It is different, and a challenge. But once the day is done, sometimes I hop onto my home laptop, or home smartphone, or home tablet. And sometimes after doing so, I feel more fried, not rejuvenated. I think my body and mind, with their fatigue symptoms, are trying to tell me something. Too much of a good thing is no longer good.
Take time to stop and smell the roses…and ride a pony, too, if one happens to cross your path.
As my daughter phrased it, “Finder’s Keepers, Losers Sweepers”… perhaps we should let go of our technology and busy lives and sweep away the clutter and noise. That way, we can reconnect with ourselves, our families, our thoughts and feelings, and live a hopefully more peaceful existence. Instead of weeping and mourning a loss, perhaps we can see the loss as a gain. Gaining of freedom, gaining of time. That opening in our lives can allow something else in. For me, less is truly more, and gives me more time to recharge. I think I’ll take my daughter’s advice more here in the future, and see losing and letting go as a way to clean and “sweep away” what I really don’t need.
Having 2 young kids, I am well familiar with the fact that toddlers assert their independence with the powerful word, “NO!” at around 2-3 years of age. As an adult, though, I wonder why this skill has faded in myself. I have found it hard to say “No” when I don’t want to do something. I often find myself saying yes to things that do not bring me satisfaction or joy. It may be out of a sense of obligation, or guilt, or a desire not to hurt others feelings, or a desire to show I am able to take on more and be responsible and “do it all.” But maybe I should learn from my young ones and use this powerful word, “No!” more frequently and more freely, to reclaim my time and sanity.
Learn to say “no” to feel free (and bonus points if you dance to celebrate it)!
Our lives are busy and hectic. We have plenty of expectations – at work, at home, and with our activities and communities. I’ve found one thing that helps calm my mind and put things in better perspective is to list my values and priorities each week, each month, and each year. I know then where I want to go, and what kind of life I want. It is a hard practice, but if I am faced with an email asking me to do something, I have started to ask myself, “Is this in line with my values?” “Will this bring me closer to the goals and life and future I want?” If the answer is “Meh” or, “Well, not really,” I pause and really try to stop myself from an automatic reply of “Sure, I’ll do it.” (This is, of course, a work in progress, and I still have times where I reflexively say “Yes, sure I’ll do it” and shortly thereafter, regret it.)
Throughout college and medical training, I felt a drive to say yes to pretty much everything I could. You don’t want to close any doors to opportunities in the future when you are early on in your training or career. However, I am now more settled into my career and busy life, and have more life experience, and can see what kind of “me” I truly want to be. And with that life wisdom, I can see that the mentality of always saying “Yes!” can be harmful, and inadvertently detract or prevent me from me reaching my goals. It is not possible to do it all. (I’m sure we all wish this was possible, but it really isn’t.) There are only 24 hours in a day. Life is about choices, and to do life right, sometimes you must sacrifice some things to concentrate and nurture the things you want. And to get where you want to go, sometimes you must let go of things don’t want or absolutely need. In short, as my children would unwaveringly and succinctly put it, “No!” This is a tough skill, and one I hope to continue to get better at.
These confident little ones never hesitate to tell me what they want, or what they don’t want!
But maybe I should acknowledge that my children are perhaps wiser than me in this respect, and I should take from their example. I will continue to work on this, as I seem to have forgotten the fine art of saying “no.” If I don’t want something, I should proudly declare “No!” with confidence! (It may help to visualize my little one saying it, and copy his or her unwavering style.) I’ll keep practicing. My kids will unquestionably demonstrate this skill of saying “No!” on a daily basis in the future, an unfailing reminder to me how I can live a better life. It helps to have reminders like this, and it helps when these reminders are cute to boot.
I have started to automate things in my life in the last few years. Why automate? I have found ways to automate my actions to free up more brain power. Why should I waste mental (or physical) energy on things I must do all the time, like buy toilet paper or buy toothpaste? I have automated my bill payments. (It really stinks to have a late payment and pay a fee, so why hazard this?) By automating my bills, I feel at ease that my bills will be paid on time even if life gets hectic and busy, and I won’t need to do mental gymnastics to remember to pay things before they are due.
I have also automated several of my purchases. Shopping can be fun, but it also can be draining. All of those decisions and steps to take can wear on your mental stamina, even if it is something you do every month or every week. But I have found automating my shopping has really helped free up mental bandwidth. I use Amazon Subscribe and Save and Target Subscriptions to automate things my household needs all the time – paper products, cleaning products, kid stuff that we need (e.g. pull ups), laundry supplies, etc. As something comes up on my shopping list that we need periodically, I start scouring Amazon or Target for options for subscription. Plus, subscribing has saved me money.
As technology has advanced, I have also found ways to automate my reminders on my “To Do” list and on my calendar. And I have discovered I can schedule emails to be sent in the future in Gmail. A huge savings, as I would sometimes wait, send myself a reminder to write an email, and write it then and there. Now, when a need or thought enters my mind that I need to email to someone else, I can draft it then and there and then schedule it in the future if needed.
I found that the methods in “Getting Things Done” has also helped unload my brain, and keep things fresh and open. In “Getting Things Done”, the author proposes setting up automatic ways to remind yourself of things, keep track of goals, and to break down those goals into smaller, more doable steps. By putting everything down in various To Do lists, I have freed my brain up. Instead of trying to hang on to dozens of different things I must do this day, this week, or this month, my brain feels at ease as I have everything in a logical place, waiting for a time/place to do them.
Something I hope to get better at in the future is using Evernote. There are a lot of ways to use this free online note keeper to track notes, emails, websites all in one place. I have tried categorizing and tagging things as well, so I can search for the tags that match up to the notes I want. I also hope to get better at using Alexa and Siri to use my voice to bring up apps or notes I need. I am using this here or there, but I am sure there are more ways I can use this to save me the time and aggravation of typing in what I want.
Life is cluttered, hectic, and busy, like a waffle block house that is overly accessorized. Be like my cat, find a zen like moment, and try to think of ways to simplify, using technology and systems to your advantage.
My brain definitely thanks me when it is free from clutter. I find I am able to think better and faster at work, am able to write clearer and more concisely, and overall feel more at peace. If I am starting to feel more stress or angst, I try to take a step back to see if I am doing my best to automate things. Technology is great. I admit I need to learn to use it more and have it complement my life to make my life easier. I am always eager to learn new hacks and ways to make life easier, and I will surely share any other tips and tricks I may find in the future. If you also know of any ideas, I’d love to hear them!
