Tag: Motherhood

Fake It Till You Make it: My Workaround for Imposter Syndrome

I’ve felt like an imposter many times in my medical career. I felt this particularly in my sharp transition from medical school to residency.  What in the world was this hospital thinking?  They are letting me, a brand new medical school graduate, make medical decisions for patients!  But…I don’t feel ready, or qualified.  How am I supposed to know what I am doing?  Everyone else around me seems to know what is going on.  I guess I will act like I do too…

This idea of “Faking it till you make it” has helped me in these times of self doubt. It certainly helped in my transition from lowly med student to (slightly higher) rung of intern, and then to (again a slightly higher) rung of senior resident.  And it has helped me as I have transitioned to each of my attending jobs.  I found I was repeating this mantra to myself (“Fake it till you make it!”) often as I made the move from traditional brick and mortar medicine to telemedicine.

macbook pro on brown wooden table
Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

To grow and change, sometimes you have to throw yourself into uncomfortable situations.  The discomfort is tangible and hard. But without these challenging situations, we would not improve. Exercise plans and training plans have taught me that in my running development.  As I push myself to bigger limits with running and walking and weight training, I can see myself getting stronger, faster, and better.  Without that stress and strain on my body, however, and pushing myself to do hard things, I would not improve.

I think the same goes with my career development and my development as a physician.  I think the level of responsibility needed to be a physician is huge, and physicians as a whole place large expectations on ourselves. The practice of medicine is a high stakes game. We are often expected to make decisions for our patients that are crucial and difficult. Medicine is partly science, but it also an art.  This less definitive “art” side of medicine can be difficult to fathom, and sometimes difficult to navigate, especially as a young physician.  And this lack of concreteness in what is expected of you as a physician breeds a feeling of not measuring up., this “imposter syndrome” if you will.

blue and silver stetoscope
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I don’t think this concept of imposter syndrome is unique to physicians.  Indeed, I have felt this as a mother as well.  I remember being a new mom and wondering how in the world I was expected to handle all these weird new challenges and expectations as a mother of a newborn.  I definitely felt uncomfortable and out of my element.  But again, I took on the idea of “Fake it till you make it” and put on a brave face, followed the examples of other moms out there, and proceeded.  Eventually, with practice and time, things did get easier.  I still feel uncomfortable at times with mothering as it is again unclear and there is an art to the role of parenting.  But I have realized pretty much all of us have these insecurities and have times of not being sure what to do.  What I do is analyze a situation or decision to be made, do the best I can with the information I have in front of me, try to do what is best for me and/or my family, and then act on it.

IMG_4882
Feeling comfortable and more experienced in my role as mama now, but there are definitely time I feel a bit out of my league. In times of distress or feeling unsure, I try to smile, put my best foot forward, and “fake it till I make it!”

I have also felt this imposter sensation as a runner.  I resumed running about 2 years ago after a long hiatus due to training stress, medical school stress, residency stress, and new parent stress. But I set about to resume running after challenging myself to a New Year’s resolution in 2017 of running a half marathon.  And since, through practice, trial and error, and grit, I have stuck with my running practice and have gotten better. I will not lie, the first 6-12 months were hard work as I built up my cardiovascular fitness, my stamina, and strength. There were injuries along the road that definitely made things even more challenging.   Now, though, running has become second nature and a way for me to vent daily stressors.  It is my therapy.  I listened to a podcast episode from Marathon Training Academy, “Running Outside The Comfort Zone” from July 31, 2019.  In this episode, the hosts of the show interview Susan Lacke, an author who also felt feelings of imposter syndrome as a runner.  I could definitely relate to her thoughts on the matter, and could see parallels to imposter syndrome not just as a runner but as a mother and physician as well.  If you want some inspiration on carrying forward in spite of feelings of inadequacy or feeling “not good enough,” I would recommend giving that episode a listen.

photo of people in a marathon
Photo by RUN 4 FFWPU on Pexels.com

Just looking at my small snippets of roles in life, I have seen how imposter syndrome has permeated how I feel about myself.  I see it as normal, however, and a sign that I am being thrust into a new, scary situation, but that is a good thing.  Without challenges and adversity in life, how are we to grow?  So instead of seeing the butterflies in your stomach as a problem, I would think of that sign of discomfort as a sign you are going to be facing something that will help you improve, be it in your career, in your hobbies, or in your role as a parent/spouse/family member.  And when you feel a bit less confident in a situation but you need to do it anyway, put on a brave face, a smile, and fake it.  I’ve been surprised myself how much that really does help me, and I surprise myself all the time with how much I am able to accomplish.

Where Did the Time Go? My Daughter is Starting 1st Grade Soon!

It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency.  (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago.  Where did those years go?) . I can still recall…

It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency.  (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago.  Where did those years go?) . I can still recall wearing maternity clothes and compression stockings during my pregnancy, dealing with being on my feet while carrying her and being a resident.  I can remember the fatigue as I was working and as she was developing within me during my pregnancy. Coupling all of the pregnancy demands with my medical residency expectations, I am not sure now how I managed it all. This was of course an early example of my busy doctor mom life in the making.

IMG_5245
My daughter will be swinging into 1st grade soon!

I remember being in the hospital for her delivery, and the newness and fear and  associated with being a brand new parent.  (They are giving us this small being, and we get to take them home with us?  But…what do we do now?)  I also remember taking her to the doctor for her newborn checkup a couple of days after going home from the hospital.  A wee little thing at that point, she was 5 lbs, 4 oz at that visit.  I remember a fellow parent in the waiting room commented on how tiny she looked.

Now, this little girl is 6 years old. She is about to enter 1st grade later this month!  I can hardly believe this, as time seems to be marching on without me realizing it.  The advice by fellow parents is right – time really does fly by, sometimes going too fast.

selective focus photography of hour glass
Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

I value my time with my kids now when they are little.  But it can be trying and exhausting, and sometimes I find myself wishing they were both a bit older.  That would give me a break from all of the hands on care that toddlers and young children require.  But other times, I realize this time is fleeting.  And raising older kids will introduce a whole host of new challenges – school activities and after school activities, navigating the social scene, etc.  There will be a time my kids do not want me to hold them (and I won’t be able to carry them as they will be too heavy/too big!).  They won’t want to hold my hand, being too cool/too old for it.  They won’t want me to cuddle with them at the end of the day.  It will tug at my heart for sure when that day comes.  But I am trying to imprint on my memory now the times I have with them when they are little.

This time with my children is a gift.  We get 18 years to raise them, and guide them on this path of life.  I hope to raise 2 strong, hard working people.  We still have quite a ways to go.  But looking at my calendar and seeing “Maddie’s first day of 1st grade” is around the bend, I realize that this 18 years is going by faster than it seems.  I think looking forward is good, to plan, and to arrange a life you want.  But it is also vital to look back and see how far we’ve come, and to really take time to enjoy the present moment.

IMG_5258
Feeling blessed and fortunate to have these two little ones in my life.

Time is precious, and unfortunately, it is not renewable.  You can’t get time back.  (But wouldn’t time travel be amazing?)  I hope I am spending my time wisely, particularly as I am spending it with my husband and children.  I am so grateful for my family and this time I have with them.  Looking back on past memories (good and bad helps solidify this gratitude within me, and makes me proud of how far we’ve come.  On hard days, especially, it is easy for me to overlook this gift of time.  But I try to remind myself of the positive, and how beautiful and powerful being a parent truly is.  I hope to never forget how valuable this time is with my family, and how blessed I am to travel on this life journey with my husband and children.

Guilt, Guilt, Go Away…

And with that return to work, I gained a new burden that I struggle with now and probably for the rest of my days going forward, one that is shared I think by all moms out there: mom guilt.  I think regardless of our choices after a birth of a child, moms have guilt no matter what path they choose, be it returning to work, working part time, or taking time off of work to pursue raising a family full time.  With all of these choices, I think we moms feel a pang of guilt that we are not doing enough to fulfill all of our expected roles.

5 years ago, at the birth of my daughter, I gained a great gift: motherhood.  With that, I learned all kinds of new challenges, not the least of which is having responsibility over another small human being.  After a few short weeks of maternity leave, however, it was time to return to work.  And with that return to work, I gained a new burden that I struggle with now and probably for the rest of my days going forward, one that is shared I think by all moms out there: mom guilt.  I think regardless of our choices after a birth of a child, moms have guilt no matter what path they choose, be it returning to work, working part time, or taking time off of work to pursue raising a family full time.  With all of these choices, I think we moms feel a pang of guilt that we are not doing enough to fulfill all of our expected roles.

Luca's dump truck
Let’s take Luca’s example and haul away the pervasive negative emotion of guilt.

Our society has changed, indeed, in the last several decades, with many women working outside of the home out of necessity at first, and now as a sense of a way to build an identity of our own.  And in addition to this, the emotional needs, organizational needs, and household chore needs of a family unit still often fall to the mother.  Getting the doctor’s appointments and dentist’s appointments scheduled, getting the kids to said appointments, keeping practices and activities straight on the calendar, paying bills to the school and activities, keeping the house in some semblance of clean, working order, and don’t forget the never ending mountains of laundry that accumulate each week.  I think with this shift, however, moms, and in particular working moms, are not really cut enough slack.  Being a mom is a “full time responsibility.”  Being a working woman is a “full time responsibility.”  And taking care of ourselves is a very time consuming responsibility in and of itself, one that often takes a back seat in our lives.  There are only so many hours in a day, and we only have so much energy to expend each day.  The quality of our work in each of these arenas sometimes suffers.  Or at the least, if we do manage to fulfill our responsibilities to some semblance of acceptableness in our minds, we fail to take care of ourselves.  And we get a pang of that dreaded guilt.

I think we all have limits.  I am starting to gain awareness of my own limits – my emotions and my energy levels, and how these play into my ability to fulfill my work responsibilities and “mom” responsibilities.  Guilt, I think, is sometimes not very helpful in this equation.  (And of course, there is the whole idea of income divide in between men and women, a whole other challenge and topic of debate.)   I am not able to be in two places at once, though sometimes I wish I could be.  But that desire to “do it all” sometimes leads to an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not enough.  Is this correct?  Is this healthy?  I am seeing that resoundingly the answer often is no: it is not a very helpful or healthy emotion.  I am doing the best I can as a working woman, and as a mom and wife.  I am starting to cut myself some “slack” so to speak, and take time for myself.  I did this in the last few years by taking up running, and in the last couple of years with taking up writing in this blog.  I think my children see this time I take for myself and I hope that they see that it is okay to take care of yourself.  By doing so, I then have more emotional reserve and patience in the tank to focus on my family and my patients.  And as any mother of young children knows, patience is always needed to deal with all of the little challenges the little ones can throw at you.

Climbing through life
Let’s be brave like Maddie, and climb through life’s challenges, shedding the often unhelpful emotion of guilt as we ascend.

So my humble request today to all working moms out there: take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of you, for your families and for your workplace, and most importantly, for you and your own wellbeing.  And in taking care of yourself intentionally and regularly, you are setting an important example for your family members and coworkers that can be inspiring to them to start taking better care of themselves.  I am getting better at naming the emotion of guilt I feel, and more importantly, with practice, I am trying my best to let it go.  This guilt often does not serve me positively or productively.  Instead, mom guilt often raises feelings of self doubt and self criticism.  I am practicing seeing the emotion of guilt, seeing if it helps me (often which it does not), and then letting it leave me as soon as I can, so I can move on to the next thing I need to do.  I hope all moms out there can take on the task of learning to let go of that nagging guilt.  Just like the rain of spring showers peppering my area now: Guilt, guilt, please do go away, and I’d rather you NOT come back another day.  But, I if you are (inevitably) back another day, I vow to NOT let you stay.