I’ve felt like an imposter many times in my medical career. I felt this particularly in my sharp transition from medical school to residency. What in the world was this hospital thinking? They are letting me, a brand new medical school graduate, make medical decisions for patients! But…I don’t feel ready, or qualified. How am I supposed to know what I am doing? Everyone else around me seems to know what is going on. I guess I will act like I do too…
This idea of “Faking it till you make it” has helped me in these times of self doubt. It certainly helped in my transition from lowly med student to (slightly higher) rung of intern, and then to (again a slightly higher) rung of senior resident. And it has helped me as I have transitioned to each of my attending jobs. I found I was repeating this mantra to myself (“Fake it till you make it!”) often as I made the move from traditional brick and mortar medicine to telemedicine.
To grow and change, sometimes you have to throw yourself into uncomfortable situations. The discomfort is tangible and hard. But without these challenging situations, we would not improve. Exercise plans and training plans have taught me that in my running development. As I push myself to bigger limits with running and walking and weight training, I can see myself getting stronger, faster, and better. Without that stress and strain on my body, however, and pushing myself to do hard things, I would not improve.
I think the same goes with my career development and my development as a physician. I think the level of responsibility needed to be a physician is huge, and physicians as a whole place large expectations on ourselves. The practice of medicine is a high stakes game. We are often expected to make decisions for our patients that are crucial and difficult. Medicine is partly science, but it also an art. This less definitive “art” side of medicine can be difficult to fathom, and sometimes difficult to navigate, especially as a young physician. And this lack of concreteness in what is expected of you as a physician breeds a feeling of not measuring up., this “imposter syndrome” if you will.
I don’t think this concept of imposter syndrome is unique to physicians. Indeed, I have felt this as a mother as well. I remember being a new mom and wondering how in the world I was expected to handle all these weird new challenges and expectations as a mother of a newborn. I definitely felt uncomfortable and out of my element. But again, I took on the idea of “Fake it till you make it” and put on a brave face, followed the examples of other moms out there, and proceeded. Eventually, with practice and time, things did get easier. I still feel uncomfortable at times with mothering as it is again unclear and there is an art to the role of parenting. But I have realized pretty much all of us have these insecurities and have times of not being sure what to do. What I do is analyze a situation or decision to be made, do the best I can with the information I have in front of me, try to do what is best for me and/or my family, and then act on it.
I have also felt this imposter sensation as a runner. I resumed running about 2 years ago after a long hiatus due to training stress, medical school stress, residency stress, and new parent stress. But I set about to resume running after challenging myself to a New Year’s resolution in 2017 of running a half marathon. And since, through practice, trial and error, and grit, I have stuck with my running practice and have gotten better. I will not lie, the first 6-12 months were hard work as I built up my cardiovascular fitness, my stamina, and strength. There were injuries along the road that definitely made things even more challenging. Now, though, running has become second nature and a way for me to vent daily stressors. It is my therapy. I listened to a podcast episode from Marathon Training Academy, “Running Outside The Comfort Zone” from July 31, 2019. In this episode, the hosts of the show interview Susan Lacke, an author who also felt feelings of imposter syndrome as a runner. I could definitely relate to her thoughts on the matter, and could see parallels to imposter syndrome not just as a runner but as a mother and physician as well. If you want some inspiration on carrying forward in spite of feelings of inadequacy or feeling “not good enough,” I would recommend giving that episode a listen.
Just looking at my small snippets of roles in life, I have seen how imposter syndrome has permeated how I feel about myself. I see it as normal, however, and a sign that I am being thrust into a new, scary situation, but that is a good thing. Without challenges and adversity in life, how are we to grow? So instead of seeing the butterflies in your stomach as a problem, I would think of that sign of discomfort as a sign you are going to be facing something that will help you improve, be it in your career, in your hobbies, or in your role as a parent/spouse/family member. And when you feel a bit less confident in a situation but you need to do it anyway, put on a brave face, a smile, and fake it. I’ve been surprised myself how much that really does help me, and I surprise myself all the time with how much I am able to accomplish.