Having 2 young kids, I am well familiar with the fact that toddlers assert their independence with the powerful word, “NO!” at around 2-3 years of age. As an adult, though, I wonder why this skill has faded in myself. I have found it hard to say “No” when I don’t want to do something. I often find myself saying yes to things that do not bring me satisfaction or joy. It may be out of a sense of obligation, or guilt, or a desire not to hurt others feelings, or a desire to show I am able to take on more and be responsible and “do it all.” But maybe I should learn from my young ones and use this powerful word, “No!” more frequently and more freely, to reclaim my time and sanity.
Our lives are busy and hectic. We have plenty of expectations – at work, at home, and with our activities and communities. I’ve found one thing that helps calm my mind and put things in better perspective is to list my values and priorities each week, each month, and each year. I know then where I want to go, and what kind of life I want. It is a hard practice, but if I am faced with an email asking me to do something, I have started to ask myself, “Is this in line with my values?” “Will this bring me closer to the goals and life and future I want?” If the answer is “Meh” or, “Well, not really,” I pause and really try to stop myself from an automatic reply of “Sure, I’ll do it.” (This is, of course, a work in progress, and I still have times where I reflexively say “Yes, sure I’ll do it” and shortly thereafter, regret it.)
Throughout college and medical training, I felt a drive to say yes to pretty much everything I could. You don’t want to close any doors to opportunities in the future when you are early on in your training or career. However, I am now more settled into my career and busy life, and have more life experience, and can see what kind of “me” I truly want to be. And with that life wisdom, I can see that the mentality of always saying “Yes!” can be harmful, and inadvertently detract or prevent me from me reaching my goals. It is not possible to do it all. (I’m sure we all wish this was possible, but it really isn’t.) There are only 24 hours in a day. Life is about choices, and to do life right, sometimes you must sacrifice some things to concentrate and nurture the things you want. And to get where you want to go, sometimes you must let go of things don’t want or absolutely need. In short, as my children would unwaveringly and succinctly put it, “No!” This is a tough skill, and one I hope to continue to get better at.
But maybe I should acknowledge that my children are perhaps wiser than me in this respect, and I should take from their example. I will continue to work on this, as I seem to have forgotten the fine art of saying “no.” If I don’t want something, I should proudly declare “No!” with confidence! (It may help to visualize my little one saying it, and copy his or her unwavering style.) I’ll keep practicing. My kids will unquestionably demonstrate this skill of saying “No!” on a daily basis in the future, an unfailing reminder to me how I can live a better life. It helps to have reminders like this, and it helps when these reminders are cute to boot.
