5 years ago, at the birth of my daughter, I gained a great gift: motherhood. With that, I learned all kinds of new challenges, not the least of which is having responsibility over another small human being. After a few short weeks of maternity leave, however, it was time to return to work. And with that return to work, I gained a new burden that I struggle with now and probably for the rest of my days going forward, one that is shared I think by all moms out there: mom guilt. I think regardless of our choices after a birth of a child, moms have guilt no matter what path they choose, be it returning to work, working part time, or taking time off of work to pursue raising a family full time. With all of these choices, I think we moms feel a pang of guilt that we are not doing enough to fulfill all of our expected roles.
Our society has changed, indeed, in the last several decades, with many women working outside of the home out of necessity at first, and now as a sense of a way to build an identity of our own. And in addition to this, the emotional needs, organizational needs, and household chore needs of a family unit still often fall to the mother. Getting the doctor’s appointments and dentist’s appointments scheduled, getting the kids to said appointments, keeping practices and activities straight on the calendar, paying bills to the school and activities, keeping the house in some semblance of clean, working order, and don’t forget the never ending mountains of laundry that accumulate each week. I think with this shift, however, moms, and in particular working moms, are not really cut enough slack. Being a mom is a “full time responsibility.” Being a working woman is a “full time responsibility.” And taking care of ourselves is a very time consuming responsibility in and of itself, one that often takes a back seat in our lives. There are only so many hours in a day, and we only have so much energy to expend each day. The quality of our work in each of these arenas sometimes suffers. Or at the least, if we do manage to fulfill our responsibilities to some semblance of acceptableness in our minds, we fail to take care of ourselves. And we get a pang of that dreaded guilt.
I think we all have limits. I am starting to gain awareness of my own limits – my emotions and my energy levels, and how these play into my ability to fulfill my work responsibilities and “mom” responsibilities. Guilt, I think, is sometimes not very helpful in this equation. (And of course, there is the whole idea of income divide in between men and women, a whole other challenge and topic of debate.) I am not able to be in two places at once, though sometimes I wish I could be. But that desire to “do it all” sometimes leads to an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not enough. Is this correct? Is this healthy? I am seeing that resoundingly the answer often is no: it is not a very helpful or healthy emotion. I am doing the best I can as a working woman, and as a mom and wife. I am starting to cut myself some “slack” so to speak, and take time for myself. I did this in the last few years by taking up running, and in the last couple of years with taking up writing in this blog. I think my children see this time I take for myself and I hope that they see that it is okay to take care of yourself. By doing so, I then have more emotional reserve and patience in the tank to focus on my family and my patients. And as any mother of young children knows, patience is always needed to deal with all of the little challenges the little ones can throw at you.
So my humble request today to all working moms out there: take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of you, for your families and for your workplace, and most importantly, for you and your own wellbeing. And in taking care of yourself intentionally and regularly, you are setting an important example for your family members and coworkers that can be inspiring to them to start taking better care of themselves. I am getting better at naming the emotion of guilt I feel, and more importantly, with practice, I am trying my best to let it go. This guilt often does not serve me positively or productively. Instead, mom guilt often raises feelings of self doubt and self criticism. I am practicing seeing the emotion of guilt, seeing if it helps me (often which it does not), and then letting it leave me as soon as I can, so I can move on to the next thing I need to do. I hope all moms out there can take on the task of learning to let go of that nagging guilt. Just like the rain of spring showers peppering my area now: Guilt, guilt, please do go away, and I’d rather you NOT come back another day. But, I if you are (inevitably) back another day, I vow to NOT let you stay.
2 pathways when it comes to processing emotions. One pathway goes through a slower pathway that travels through the cortex, or higher reasoning part of the brain.
on the internet can make you feel sad, anxious, or angry. When you engage your higher learning centers in your cortex, however, and start to look at possibilities of what the other person was feeling, you can realize why you, in reaction, felt how you did. For me, naming that emotion helps me disengage, and often forgive the comment. And not to take things to heart, particularly if that is more harmful than helpful.