Month: October 2019

“I Can’t Know…” Recognizing Your Limitations and Embracing Them

When my young toddler son was first mastering language, he used to have an amusing way of telling us he didn’t know something.  He would say “I can’t know” if he didn’t know the answer to something we asked him, instead of “I don’t know.  He has outgrown this to a degree, and now properly says “I don’t know” (and I miss his cute unintentional “toddler euphemism,” if you will).

IMG_5140
“I can’t know” what is in this ice cream delicacy, but I DO know it is delicious. And very blue. (And coincidentally, it coordinates nicely with my outfit for the day. A fashionable bonus!)

But thinking further about this, his former answer of “I can’t know” can be a sign of humility and recognition of your own mental faculties.  You can’t know everything.   In spite of your best efforts to study and read and try to understand the world and all of its workings, it is impossible to be correct and right 100% of the time.  And it is impossible to understand everything all of the time.  This can be a hard pill for many of us to swallow.  We like to have certainty in our lives.  We like to have a better handle and understanding of the way this world works.  It is liberating and truly wise, however, to recognize that there are things in this world that are beyond understanding.

I think realizing you have limitations is a powerful skill.  Some may see this as weakness.  But I think carrying a bias that you are invincible or all knowing as actually a weakness.  It is foolhardy to think you know everything.  This may harm others, or harm yourself.  Take, for example, a doctor that feels they know all and treat their patient with what they feel is correct.  But, in reality, the doctor is not up to date on the latest study or studies, and is practicing outdated medicine.  It is good to be confident, but it is wrong to be overconfident.

I see my son’s statement as a short way to express humility.  “I can’t know.”  I can’t know the answer to every question.  I can’t know all the latest news or studies.  But I can look it up, or ask someone who does.  I think humility is a mark of true wisdom.  Humility is hard to come by sometimes.  But I hope to instill this trait of humility in my children through example.  I admire those with humility, as I can see these folks as acting confidently but also with a healthy realization that they have a lot to learn or a lot to improve on in life.  We are all works in progress, and that is what makes life so challenging but interesting.

IMG_5120
Life is about balance. A good metaphor for the balance between humility and confidence would be the balance of the cool, refreshing wetness of swimming, and the hot, warming phase of drying off and lounging beside the pool. Each are different and contrasting, but the balance of the two makes for a fun and memorable summer day!

It is important to have confidence, surely, as without it, I would not accomplish anything or finish any task set before me. I would be trapped in fear of the unknown or getting things wrong, or anxious that I would not be doing everything “just so.”  However, a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence, I think, breeds success.  By seeing where I can improve, I can then focus future actions on correcting that shortcoming.  What is the right mix of the two (that is, humility and confidence)?  I am sure it is different for different people and different situations.  I believe the first step, though, is recognizing that both are worthwhile and important to balance in our lives and actions.  And I will continue to try to exemplify this for my children as I take on my daily tasks as  physician, wife, and mother.

What My Perfect Day Would Look Like

It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like.  I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day.  Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc.  It is important to accept the imperfections in life.  But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like.  If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you.  You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day.  Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of.  And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.

IMG_4842
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.

At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:

Wake up when I felt like it.

No alarms. No need to get up at a set time.  I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired.  Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in.  But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!

alone bed bedroom blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Exercise in the morning.

I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh.  This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better.  With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning.  It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.

Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.

I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate.  I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying.  I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like.  Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.

Time and energy to spend with my family.

Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work.  I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love.  It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.

Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.

My days are busy and jampacked.  Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out.  I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself.  And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like?  What did I hate?  What will I try to repeat again in the future?  What will I try to avoid?  I think that could be accomplished via self reflection,  journaling, or talking through my day with my husband.  But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.

Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.

I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night.  Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not.  Should I be getting more? Probably.  But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do.  In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep.  And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.

turned on silver macbook on white bed
Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”

I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do.  And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes).  I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep.  Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day,  I feel like I have accomplished a lot.  My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it.  Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate.  As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.

IMG_5271
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.

Finders Keepers, Losers…Sweepers?

My daughter was chanting this the other day, but making a funny word substitution…”Finders Keepers, Losers Sweepers.”  I tried to correct her word substitution, but she insisted her way of saying this was correct.  This amused me, of course. But it also got me thinking…  What if she was on to something?  Finders do keep what they have. But losers may gain something as well.

IMG_5228-4217021786-1566309577239.jpg
This little gal is enjoying some sugar on a summer day. It is truly enjoyable to time out of my busy life to revel in rest and rejuvenation with my children.

When you lose, you give something up.  This may be a victory, or a possession.  However, perhaps my daughter’s inadvertent statement opens up a possible role of a loss.  When you are a loser, you “sweep away” whatever it was that you lost.  This can be a good thing, or a bad thing.  Often, though, letting go of things in the long run can be good.

In our overcrowded, overstimulated, overfilled lives, I think we may need to learn to take a step back more often.  Our digital lifestyles are connecting us to each other and to information more than I ever imagined growing up. But, this may be at a cost to our sanity and mental health.  Indeed, many folks take digital detox breaks to reconnect with the simpler world.

As a telemedicine physician, I am connected to technology during my workday, and I love it.  I enjoy connecting with patients around the country via this cool, new medium.  It is different, and a challenge.  But once the day is done, sometimes I hop onto my home laptop, or home smartphone, or home tablet.  And sometimes after doing so, I feel more fried, not rejuvenated.  I think my body and mind, with their fatigue symptoms, are trying to tell me something.  Too much of a good thing is no longer good.

IMG_5144
Take time to stop and smell the roses…and ride a pony, too, if one happens to cross your path.

As my daughter phrased it, “Finder’s Keepers, Losers Sweepers”… perhaps we should let go of our technology and busy lives and sweep away the clutter and noise.  That way, we can reconnect with ourselves, our families, our thoughts and feelings, and live a hopefully more peaceful existence.    Instead of weeping and mourning a loss, perhaps we can see the loss as a gain.  Gaining of freedom, gaining of time.  That opening in our lives can allow something else in.  For me, less is truly more, and gives me more time to recharge.  I think I’ll take my daughter’s advice more here in the future, and see losing and letting go as a way to clean and “sweep away” what I really don’t need.

photograph of person sweeping the floor
Photo by Riya Kumari on Pexels.com

Relearning the Time-Honored Skill of Saying “NO!”

Having 2 young kids, I am well familiar with the fact that toddlers assert their independence with the powerful word, “NO!” at around 2-3 years of age.   As an adult, though, I wonder why this skill has faded in myself.  I have found it hard to say “No” when I don’t want to do something.  I often find myself saying yes to things that do not bring me satisfaction or joy.  It may be out of a sense of obligation, or guilt, or a desire not to hurt others feelings, or a desire to show I am able to take on more and be responsible and “do it all.”  But maybe I should learn from my young ones and use this powerful word, “No!” more frequently and more freely, to reclaim my time and sanity.

IMG_4909
Learn to say “no” to feel free (and bonus points if you dance to celebrate it)!

Our lives are busy and hectic.  We have plenty of expectations – at work, at home, and with our activities and communities.  I’ve found one thing that helps calm my mind and put things in better perspective is to list my values and priorities each week, each month, and each year.  I know then where I want to go, and what kind of life I want.  It is a hard practice, but if I am faced with an email asking me to do something, I have started to ask myself, “Is this in line with my values?”  “Will this bring me closer to the goals and life and future I want?”  If the answer is “Meh” or, “Well, not really,”  I pause and really try to stop myself from an automatic reply of “Sure, I’ll do it.”  (This is, of course, a work in progress, and I still have times where I reflexively say “Yes, sure I’ll do it” and shortly thereafter, regret it.)

Throughout college and medical training, I felt a drive to say yes to pretty much everything I could.  You don’t want to close any doors to opportunities in the future when you are early on in your training or career.  However, I am now more settled into my career and busy life, and have more life experience, and can see what kind of “me” I truly want to be.   And with that life wisdom, I can see that the mentality of always saying “Yes!” can be harmful, and inadvertently detract or prevent me from me  reaching my goals.  It is not possible to do it all.  (I’m sure we all wish this was possible, but it really isn’t.)  There are only 24 hours in a day.  Life is about choices, and to do life right, sometimes you must sacrifice some things to concentrate and nurture the things you want.  And to get where you want to go, sometimes you must let go of things don’t want or absolutely need.  In short, as my children would unwaveringly and succinctly put it, “No!”  This is a tough skill, and one I hope to continue to get better at.

IMG_5004
These confident little ones never hesitate to tell me what they want, or what they don’t want!

But maybe I should acknowledge that my children are perhaps wiser than me in this respect, and I should take from their example.  I will continue to work on this, as I seem to have forgotten the fine art of saying “no.”  If I don’t want something, I should proudly declare “No!” with confidence!  (It may help to visualize my little one saying it, and copy his or her unwavering style.)   I’ll keep practicing.  My kids will unquestionably demonstrate this skill of saying “No!” on a daily basis in the future, an unfailing reminder to me how I can live a better life.  It helps to have reminders like this, and it helps when these reminders are cute to boot.