Emotional Intelligence, EQ
I read a wonderful book, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, a few months ago. This book was recommended during a continuing education workshop I recently attended. And I greatly recommend it to anyone else who hasn’t read it yet.
I wish I had read it sooner, particularly as it relates to raising my kids, particularly as it relates to toddlerhood. (Terrible 2’s and the classic toddler tantrums are a perfect example of how poor emotional control can manifest when faced with negative emotions. Not something that adults should really be doing, though I admit sometimes I want to. And I don’t think I am the only one. Strong emotions can really inhibit your self control sometimes.)
The book, Emotional Intelligence, outlines what emotional intelligence is, and why is is important. I admit this was a relatively new concept to me. But one that is intuitive and vital for all aspects of life.
A brief definition of emotional intelligence, or EQ, is the ability for someone to recognize, harness, and express one’s emotions, and recognizing how emotions a person feels can affect relationships and how one interacts with others. Not easy to do, but something very important to fit in with a society where we greatly benefit from teamwork and working with others.
Two Pathways for Emotions
A concept I found really pivotal in the book is that the brain has 
2 pathways when it comes to processing emotions. One pathway goes through a slower pathway that travels through the cortex, or higher reasoning part of the brain.
The faster pathway, which can be thought of as an evolutionary protection mechanism, goes from the thalamus straight to the amygdala. This is what makes you have your “fight or flight” response to a perceived threat (which may indeed not really be a threat). The second fast pathway is what drives me to startle and feel fearful when I hear a loud noise, or feel my cat brush along my leg when I don’t realize she is there. Afterward, with the help of my higher cortex, I reason out why I had the response I did.
I can see how this drives me to often react unhealthily to stress in my daily life. Just realizing this has helped me become more self aware of my actions and thoughts. And forgive myself for occasional bad actions. I am nowhere near perfect, but I think just understanding emotions and emotional intelligence better helps calm me and drives me to be better.
Childhood Development and Emotional Intelligence
The book also describes emotional intelligence and how it develops in childhood. I kind of think of this as the key concepts kindergarteners learn. Listen. Share. The Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would want to be done to you. After reading about the concept and analyzing my own life and the lives of my children, I see how vital this concept really is. And how hard it can sometimes be to control. IQ or “book smarts” as I like to think of is something that is geared toward in our modern school system.
But to really thrive in life, I see that having just book smarts is not enough. People smarts (and emotional smarts) will actually get your further (and create a happier, more fulfilled life).
I plan to read more in the future about Emotional Intelligence as it pertains to children, and how it can impact my children as they develop. I am trying more and more to help my children name their emotions. And I have analyzed how good my children are at recognizing emotions, in me, in themselves, or others. The fast pathway of the brain I think can easily pick up on negative versus positive emotion. But it takes a bit more learning, experience, and thought to see what exactly that emotion is, and what to do about it.
My daughter easily reads annoyance or tiredness on my face, but sometimes says “why are you mad?” This is a good (but embarrassing) reminder to adapt my facial expression (but also my own feelings and thoughts) to better suit my interactions with her. And I try to take this further when talking with my other family members, coworkers, and patients.
Like I said, I am still a work in progress (but aren’t we all).I plan to continue to develop my own skills in emotional intelligence. I think I have always intuitively recognized that emotional intelligence is vital to good relationships and success in the real world. And as I raise my young kids, I hope I can help them better recognize and harness their emotions, so they can be happy, loved, helpful members of society.
Digitalization of Society and Its Relationship to Emotion
Though our society is becoming more digital and fragmented, there remains a great deal of emotion in our lives and that will never change. Think of how a brash, “thoughtless” comment 
on the internet can make you feel sad, anxious, or angry. When you engage your higher learning centers in your cortex, however, and start to look at possibilities of what the other person was feeling, you can realize why you, in reaction, felt how you did. For me, naming that emotion helps me disengage, and often forgive the comment. And not to take things to heart, particularly if that is more harmful than helpful.
Self Care and Its Importance to Emotions
If I am tired, stressed, or overworked, my emotional reserve to control myself goes out the window. This fact has made me focus more on self care – sleep, stress reduction via hobbies and time away from work, eating well, and exercise.
If I have a good nights sleep, I think I make better cognitive decisions. But my emotions are also calmer. This I think is a good example of how EQ and IQ can overlap and interact. And how the mind, the body, your emotions are interdependent and intertwined.
Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Others
Like I described above, I am trying to help my kids navigate the tumultuous world of their internal emotions. But I also hope to set an example, for my kids and for everyone else I interact with, including my patients. I see a lot how emotions can create rifts in families and relationships Looking at things from afar, it is easy to judge and think about how sometimes silly these fights can seem. But delving into conversations with my patients, and truly spending 10-15 minutes walking in their shoes, I see how things get a bit murky and difficult. I recognize that emotions, thoughts, and facts get intertwined. And how hard it can be to forgive. But how powerful and freeing it can be to forgive and let go.
Parting Thoughts
I hope to continue to be vigilant in recognizing emotions, not just in myself but in everyone around me. To do this well, I believe it first takes recognition of this idea, and self study. I plan to read more books about this, particularly how it pertains to childhood development. There is a lot more I can learn about it. I am steadily recognizing too that good self care (rest, nutrition, exercise, play) is vital in ensuring I have good self control and am setting myself up for success in managing my emotions.
Just like every skill in life, this takes practice. I am trying to train myself to not let the fast emotional pathway control my reactions, and instead work constantly to engage the slower, higher thinking pathway. This will lead to better outcomes and less regrets. Since learning about Emotional Intelligence and how the emotional centers of the brain work, I am more explicit in naming my own emotions and learning how they drive me to act.
As a parent, I am also seeing how this naming of emotions is crucial in helping to calm my children if a tantrum arises and they are not getting their way. It eases misunderstandings and miscommunications. My kids feel “heard.”
As a doctor, I am striving to use my understanding of emotions to choose words and actions that are more beneficial to everyone around me. I believe it has helped me better see those around me, particularly my patients, in a new light. I feel better able to comprehend their emotions, and how emotions impact their choices in life. And I feel it has improved my communication skills and ability to understand what others are communicating to me. I think and hope this practice will help me to continue to grow and improve, as a doctor, a mom, and a human being.