Tag: Working Mom

Make Work Optional…A Lofty But Inspiring Goal

My daughter insightfully declared a few weeks ago…”I wish you didn’t have to work.”  That simple, innocent statement stuck with me since.  I think this occurred after I explained I was too tired to do something with her that she wanted to do.  Kids really pick up on associations quickly, huh?  Work steals away some of my time and energy, and thus takes away some of the time and energy I have to devote to my family.  I replied honestly that I wish I didn’t have to work either.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful, having financial security to thus regain time back with those you love?

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Hoping for more carefree times like this with my little gal.

As I explained in my post about financial independence, I think I have found a really neat life tool to get to my desire to make work optional.  I am one that always needs things to do.  I like to make “To Do” lists on my phone or in my journal, and I like to keep planning ahead for the future.  So I don’t think I will ever sit still too long. However, as my daughter alluded to, work prevents me often from doing what I would rather be doing.  One huge value and priority in my life is family and nurturing my relationships with my family members.  And often my 8 hour work day takes away from that. It would be nice to have more flexibility to instead work say part time, and set my schedule myself for when I would want to work.

I read a great book on this very topic, that is financial independence and making work optional, a few months ago: Work Optional: Retire Early the Non-Penny-Pinching Way, by Tanja Hester.  I would recommend this read to anyone wanting to learn more about financial independence.  I really liked how the author spelled out a pathway to learning your values and priorities and life, and then extrapolating how financial independence can give you the power to then create the type of life you want.  She also spells out some math on how to achieve this, including the calculators for determining your needed “Financial independence” number (i.e. 25x your annual spending) that I have described in my financial independence post, and other authors in the financial independence community have also described.

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Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

I like her different take on buckets of money for those pursuing early retirement as well, with some funds preserved to be used true older retirement (i.e. after age 59 1/2 or 60) and other funds you plan to use in early retirement (i.e. in your 30s, 40s, and/or 50s).  There are ways to tap into your retirement savings earlier with the Roth IRA conversion ladder technique (see an explanation of this topic here), but I appreciated the author’s idea of keeping your funds separate.  After all, one great fear of any retiree is if you will run out of money.  It would not be pretty or pleasant to have to return to work in your 50s or 60s, after being out of the workforce for several years.  Indeed, it would be challenging, and you could not re-enter the workforce at the same place you left.  Given your gap in working, several employers would likely question your motives or your competence.  And you would probably need to either take a paycut and start lower down in your chosen career path, or pick a different line of work with less pay.

By separating out your funds that way, you can better control for future ups and downs in your spending needs and the market. Things taking a turn for the worse in your investments?  Having different buckets would mean your age 60+ funds are still left alone to grow and regain things (hopefully) in the future when the market rebounds.  But to compensate, you can use your early retirement funds more wisely and more frugally, e.g. taking out a smaller percentage e.g. 3-3.5%, and perhaps taking on a side gig to compensate.

I have also read some other books on the topic, including Financial Freedom: A Proven Path to All the Money You Will Ever Need, by Grant Sabatier, and Quit Like a Millionaire: No Gimmicks, Luck, or Trust Fund Required, by Kristy Shen and Bryce Leung.  All of these authors have different ways they approached their journeys to financial independence and achieved it, and offer their own advice to readers who want to follow the pathway, too.   I think all of these different perspectives show there are multiple pathways to get to where you want to go with the financial independence journey.  In fact, this shows there are multiple answers sometimes to one problem.

My current finances do not allow me to stop working just yet, or go part time (which is a less scary path I am considering in the near future).  However, I think hearing my daughter’s wish the other day, “I wish you didn’t have to work,” rekindled my commitment in my path to achieving financial independence. Getting to a point where work is optional would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  If something were to happen where I did need to quit, or the market were to change and my job security were to be lost, having that power of financial independence would be so freeing and empowering.  I could foresee in the future that the challenge of balancing it all as a busy doctor mom and working mom could get to be too much.  Right now, I feel that I am happy in my current roles and in my current busy life, but this may not always be the case.

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I love this happy kid! I hope to prioritize my life and time to spend more time with those I love most, namely my husband and kids.

I think I’ll remind myself of my daughter’s innocent statement (“I wish you didn’t have to work!”) each time I analyze my finances and my path to financial independence.  It is important to look at where you are, but it is important also to see where you are going, and to live this life intentionally and with purpose.   My pursuit of financial independence, I feel, is my tool to regaining control over my life and my time.

What My Perfect Day Would Look Like

It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like.  I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day.  Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc.  It is important to accept the imperfections in life.  But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like.  If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you.  You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day.  Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of.  And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.

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A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.

At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:

Wake up when I felt like it.

No alarms. No need to get up at a set time.  I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired.  Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in.  But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Exercise in the morning.

I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh.  This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better.  With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning.  It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.

Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.

I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate.  I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying.  I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like.  Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.

Time and energy to spend with my family.

Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work.  I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love.  It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.

Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.

My days are busy and jampacked.  Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out.  I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself.  And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like?  What did I hate?  What will I try to repeat again in the future?  What will I try to avoid?  I think that could be accomplished via self reflection,  journaling, or talking through my day with my husband.  But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.

Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.

I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night.  Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not.  Should I be getting more? Probably.  But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do.  In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep.  And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.

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Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”

I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do.  And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes).  I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep.  Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day,  I feel like I have accomplished a lot.  My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it.  Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate.  As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.

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Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.

Reframing Your Mindset: Going Through the Sequence of “I Have To,” “I Get To,” “I Want To,” and “I Love To”

We all have bad days, be it at work, at home, or in our extracurriculars.  There are things we would rather not do.  Sometimes I find my inner voice telling myself “I have to work.”  When I get a bit down and out about this and “woe is me”, it helps me to force myself to repeat the statement and replace “have to” with “get to.”  It’s totally true, I get to work.  This is not a guarantee in life.  No one is forcing me to do X or Y or Z in 99% of the cases in my life.  A lot of my actions are a choice.  And shifting my mind to think of things that way is totally eye opening and gives me more optimism.

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Life is a tough journey, and there is a lot we have to do. At the same time, though, a lot of these “have to” tasks are also blessings in disguise. Like the blessing of seeing an open ride in the park and taking the time to enjoy and play a bit.

Beyond simply repeating “I have to” statements with a counterpoint of “I get to,” I am starting to strive to then tell myself “I want to” to this, and as the going gets good and I am hopefully hitting a flow state, I realize that happily, “I love to” do this thing that initially I felt obligated and forced to do.

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If life gets messy and hard, embrace it.  Sure you “have to” clean up some things (like these colorful ice cream-covered faces), but it is important to also enjoy the journey and see how valuable life’s challenges can be.

For example, if I have a tough run workout on the docket for the afternoon, and I am not really feeling it, be it from fatigue, heat, or worry about other things on my to-do list, I force myself to go through this mental sequence of restating the task I am going to do that day, going from “I have to do this tough run” to “I get to do this tough run”.  Several months ago, I was injured, and I wasn’t able to run, and I remind myself how unhappy those times were. And now, I GET TO do this thing before me.  As I step onto the road and start moving my body, I remind myself “I want to do this tough run” to give my mind and body a meditative break from my tough work day, to give myself an hour of time to myself to just be me, to get stronger and more able to tackle my upcoming planned marathon in 2 months, and to just be a healthier and happier version fo me.  And, as the run sets in, and I hit my groove, I remind myself as the endorphins and runner’s high kicks in, that “I love to do this tough run” and this run is giving me great exercise, a way to enjoy the outdoors, and a way to get stronger and healthier.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Sure, all things in life are loaded with good qualities and bad.  There are some great things to a job, for example, and yet there are several things we “have to do” that we would rather weren’t there, be it replying to mundane emails, filling out self evaluations or peer evaluations, attending a meeting, etc.  However, I think shifting my mindset to a bigger picture and realizing how blessed I am to have this job, I realize that nothing in life is guaranteed. And it isn’t so much “I have to do this” but I am blessed and honored to do this.  Having a tough day? Try reminding yourself that you are fortunate and breathing and alive, and that you get to take on this challenge called life.  There are struggles and hardship in life, and there is a lot in life that we wish was better.  However, we have freedom and autonomy as well.  The job and career I have chosen was chosen by my own freewill.  I get to do medicine each day, I get to be a wife and mother and I am blessed to have a strong, supportive family in my life.  I get to enjoy the passions and fun things in life, be it cooking, eating, reading, running, or playing with my kids.  Reminding myself when I am pessimistic that I get to do things in this life has helped me reframe my negative “have to” thoughts, and led me to be more thankful and mindful of all the things that I get to do, and want to do, and love to do.

Guilt, Guilt, Go Away…

And with that return to work, I gained a new burden that I struggle with now and probably for the rest of my days going forward, one that is shared I think by all moms out there: mom guilt.  I think regardless of our choices after a birth of a child, moms have guilt no matter what path they choose, be it returning to work, working part time, or taking time off of work to pursue raising a family full time.  With all of these choices, I think we moms feel a pang of guilt that we are not doing enough to fulfill all of our expected roles.

5 years ago, at the birth of my daughter, I gained a great gift: motherhood.  With that, I learned all kinds of new challenges, not the least of which is having responsibility over another small human being.  After a few short weeks of maternity leave, however, it was time to return to work.  And with that return to work, I gained a new burden that I struggle with now and probably for the rest of my days going forward, one that is shared I think by all moms out there: mom guilt.  I think regardless of our choices after a birth of a child, moms have guilt no matter what path they choose, be it returning to work, working part time, or taking time off of work to pursue raising a family full time.  With all of these choices, I think we moms feel a pang of guilt that we are not doing enough to fulfill all of our expected roles.

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Let’s take Luca’s example and haul away the pervasive negative emotion of guilt.

Our society has changed, indeed, in the last several decades, with many women working outside of the home out of necessity at first, and now as a sense of a way to build an identity of our own.  And in addition to this, the emotional needs, organizational needs, and household chore needs of a family unit still often fall to the mother.  Getting the doctor’s appointments and dentist’s appointments scheduled, getting the kids to said appointments, keeping practices and activities straight on the calendar, paying bills to the school and activities, keeping the house in some semblance of clean, working order, and don’t forget the never ending mountains of laundry that accumulate each week.  I think with this shift, however, moms, and in particular working moms, are not really cut enough slack.  Being a mom is a “full time responsibility.”  Being a working woman is a “full time responsibility.”  And taking care of ourselves is a very time consuming responsibility in and of itself, one that often takes a back seat in our lives.  There are only so many hours in a day, and we only have so much energy to expend each day.  The quality of our work in each of these arenas sometimes suffers.  Or at the least, if we do manage to fulfill our responsibilities to some semblance of acceptableness in our minds, we fail to take care of ourselves.  And we get a pang of that dreaded guilt.

I think we all have limits.  I am starting to gain awareness of my own limits – my emotions and my energy levels, and how these play into my ability to fulfill my work responsibilities and “mom” responsibilities.  Guilt, I think, is sometimes not very helpful in this equation.  (And of course, there is the whole idea of income divide in between men and women, a whole other challenge and topic of debate.)   I am not able to be in two places at once, though sometimes I wish I could be.  But that desire to “do it all” sometimes leads to an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not enough.  Is this correct?  Is this healthy?  I am seeing that resoundingly the answer often is no: it is not a very helpful or healthy emotion.  I am doing the best I can as a working woman, and as a mom and wife.  I am starting to cut myself some “slack” so to speak, and take time for myself.  I did this in the last few years by taking up running, and in the last couple of years with taking up writing in this blog.  I think my children see this time I take for myself and I hope that they see that it is okay to take care of yourself.  By doing so, I then have more emotional reserve and patience in the tank to focus on my family and my patients.  And as any mother of young children knows, patience is always needed to deal with all of the little challenges the little ones can throw at you.

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Let’s be brave like Maddie, and climb through life’s challenges, shedding the often unhelpful emotion of guilt as we ascend.

So my humble request today to all working moms out there: take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of you, for your families and for your workplace, and most importantly, for you and your own wellbeing.  And in taking care of yourself intentionally and regularly, you are setting an important example for your family members and coworkers that can be inspiring to them to start taking better care of themselves.  I am getting better at naming the emotion of guilt I feel, and more importantly, with practice, I am trying my best to let it go.  This guilt often does not serve me positively or productively.  Instead, mom guilt often raises feelings of self doubt and self criticism.  I am practicing seeing the emotion of guilt, seeing if it helps me (often which it does not), and then letting it leave me as soon as I can, so I can move on to the next thing I need to do.  I hope all moms out there can take on the task of learning to let go of that nagging guilt.  Just like the rain of spring showers peppering my area now: Guilt, guilt, please do go away, and I’d rather you NOT come back another day.  But, I if you are (inevitably) back another day, I vow to NOT let you stay.

Busy Wife, Busy Life

My goal is to share my own successes (and failures) in my own busy life. If you read my tips and tricks, your life will also…

Thank you for checking out my blog! And welcome to my first post! I am a full time family physician.  I am also a full time wife and mom. I strive to keep my husband, son, daughter, and beloved pet cat all clean, fed, and sheltered.   I personally understand how challenging this tall order can be. I am by no means perfect, but I want to be a resource to you as I share things that have worked for me in my own life as a working mom.

I invite you to join me as I share some useful life tips and tricks. I will share my own advice to become a supportive, compassionate partner/spouse, a nurturing parent, and a happier and grounded person. I have passions in family medicine, distance running, bowling, and cooking, so I plan to also share some posts in these fields as the next several weeks and months unfold. Please follow me and message me with any impressions or ideas you may have!