I am enjoying a laid back day off today, and a relatively light weekend ahead. I will try to catch up on hobbies. And I also hope to start thinking ahead for the coming year. With that forward look though, I will try to look back and think about all I have accomplished in 2023.
I often get tunnel-visioned in my busy life, seeing only the day ahead or the week ahead, primarily looking at the present. I often fail to see how much better my life has become. A comfortable home. Good health. A career that brings me satisfaction and accomplishment. Relationships with family and friends. Progression in my hobbies and past-times.
Maybe this could be my new hobby. I am definitely not a strong skater. Let’s say I have a lot of potential. Hoping my family can help teach me their ways!
In the year ahead, I hope I can keep up this habit of looking to my future and looking at the past. I think this gives me greater appreciation for how much I have, and how much I have grown. And how much more living and growing I have to do.
Some goals I have for the year include:
-Running a half marathon in the summer. I invested in working with a coach to hone my skills and keep improving.
-Blogging more often, as a way to reflect and grow.
-Spending quality time with my family and friends. Aiming for time with family every 1-2 weeks and time with friends once a month or more.
-Traveling with intention and for joy.
-Continuing to learn languages with Duolingo.
-Continuing to play piano and guitar as an outlet for creativity and relaxation.
-Reading 40 books. I am definitely behind right now but I can feel things starting to pickup. Thank you snow days and cold weather, driving us inside!
Yay for snow days!
-Continuing to save and invest, spending money and time with intention to optimize comfort and joy in life. Avoiding squandering my money or time on things that are not going to return comfort or joy.
-Learn a new skill. I am thinking of trying something in the arts and crafts realm.
I will use this post as a way to reflect at the halfway point and endpoint of the year ahead to gauge how I am growing and meeting my goals. I know perfection is impossible but progression is definitely achievable and laudable. Growing just a little bit each day or week or year will be tremendous. Now it is time to go back to my day off and enjoy this time to unwind and ponder.
This year has been tough and strange with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. For me and my writing, I have found it hard to stay on point. I have been unfortunately too quiet here as times have been busy in my job and in my home life.Now, though, I plan to get back on track and resume blogging my thoughts and observations more consistently again.
Sometimes things are smooth and easy, and you are moving forward. And sometimes you get twisted around and find yourself going backwards, like Luca here. I will strive to get back on track, and going forward from now on.
My favorite season is now back…fall. The weather has been what feels like unseasonably warm so I am welcoming the promise of cooler, brisker weather. I am sprinkling some pumpkin spice in my coffee in the morning to celebrate the time of year. And the return of my favorite fall ale, Block House Pumpkin Ale, at the beverage store is a highlight for the season. I stocked up this year on a case, so I am happily well set on this fall staple.
I also appreciate how this time of year is a time for children to resume a new school year, so it feels like things are starting over. I know that January 1 is the beginning of the calendar year, but the fall for me feels like it is kicking off new beginnings.
I think also the fall is my favorite time of year as it kicks off a series of fun holidays for my little ones …Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love watching them get excited for these festivities, and it brings me back to a time when I too when get very excited for them. I do still enjoy the holidays, but they carry a more special kind of magic when you are a child.
As I go through September and into October, I tend to revisit my goals as well for the year, as this is the time of year of my work anniversary. Along with setting professional/work goals this time of year, I strive to come up with a personal goal or two to focus on, and I try to look back on how far I have come in the last year. I find it amazing how fast and slow time can go, seemingly at the same time. A week can drag on forever, but it feels like I am still in my 20s, but here I am approaching age 40. I look forward to the next couple of months of brisk (but not too cold yet!) weather, pumpkin ale, and reflecting on where I have been and where I hope to go in the next year.
My article below was published recently in the July 2020 Bulletin for the Allegheny County Medical Society.
Our world has changed drastically in the last several months due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Every aspect of life has been affected due to measures like social distancing and a recent required national quarantine to help control the spread of this microscopic threat. The virus spreads quickly, and has varying presentations, and sometimes its disease course can be quite frightening and deadly. It is hard to explain this threat to my adult patients and adult friends, and I especially find myself struggling explaining the current events to my own small children. Why are we not allowed to go to school or daycare this past spring? Why can we not go on vacation right now? What will happen to us in the near future, once this pandemic has subsided? Will the virus cause longstanding problems in patients who have been infected? These are very tough questions and sometimes my answers feel inadequate, as I myself do not fully grasp every nuance of this novel viral illness.
Running has been my form of escape from this weird new reality. To a degree, the repetitive and familiar act of running brings a level of normalcy to my life. I am able to use my body, increasing my cadence, increasing my respiratory rate and heart rate, moving my arms and legs in a pattern that feels comforting and familiar. The movement also serves as a type of physical meditation, allowing my mind to wander away from the stresses and worries this current time brings. On a recent run a couple of months ago however, my wandering thoughts were interrupted when I observed an unfortunate repeating pattern I glanced around me– masks. Masks hanging from people’s car rearview mirrors. Masks on dashboards. Masks on the passenger seat or cupholder, ready to be used if needed. This seemed so out of place, and yet this is becoming our “new normal.” No longer are masks confined to hospitals or OR’s. And unfortunately they are no longer just for play or fun, like costumes at Halloween or dinner parties or masquerades. They are now on people walking on the streets walking their dogs or walking with their children or significant others, in stores, in businesses, everywhere. In addition, the imposition to wear masks by some is seen as a controversial requirement, yet in the grand scheme of things, it is meant as a protection for the wearer and anyone near them. I think of this visual intrusion of masks in our world as a concrete reminder of how this virus is affecting all of us, whether we want it or not.
On another recent run, I was running by a son and child playing baseball, and the ball was hit wayward and coming toward me. As a reflex, I stopped and was going to pick it up, run toward them, and toss or hand back to them. But then I thought again, stopped myself, and though, will this be harmful? I was not wearing a mask, as I was engaging in individual exercise and practicing social distancing from others. As the thoughts were whirring in my mind, I stopped my natural instinct to help, as I feared running to the ball and touching i, as I feared I could create more problems or worries. I anticipated their potential fear of me, a stranger, with an unknown COVID-19 status and without a mask on, (though I have fortunately been able to self isolate and work from home and able to exercise, which would hopefully speak to my healthy status), and I also thought of whether I should be fearful of them, as I would not know their risk of COVID-19 either. I sheepishly apologized and waved at them, and I stopped myself from running toward the ball and watched the ball roll into tuft of grass (and thankfully stopped, so the father could run toward it and retrieve it). The father understood, though and waved back and shouted it was okay. How simple and mundane of events, helping toss a ball to another and getting near a playing family to share in their time outdoors. I think this simple event highlights how different our world currently is.
And when will the world return to “normal?” It may never truly return to the same normal, indeed, even after there will hopefully be measures in place to prevent spread of this illness, like vaccinations, and hopefully more definitive therapies and treatments. The level of trust we had in our world being safe, I think, will be forever changed. How will this affect us, as adults, used to a different way of life? How will this affect children, who are just starting their lives, as they embrace this new, drastically different world? I am sure this stress will change all of our futures, and perhaps bring some negative effects. There are of course, some positives, as the quarantine has allowed my family and me time to slow down and focusing on what is truly important in life. Eventually, I hope, this world will change and improve from the hard times we are going through now. When this will be, however, remains to be seen.
Aargh…Let’s defeat this COVID-19 pandemic!
Face masks during this COVID-19 pandemic, I feel, are a reminder of the badge of change we are all enduring as humans, dealing with this new threat. Face masks are a way of protecting or “masking” ourselves from this microscopic threat. I will likely never glance at a mask the same way again. I wear it now as a means of protection, and a sign to others that I care about them, and I strive to keep everyone safe. Hopefully, the world will change back to a scenario where masks will be confined to only certain environments, like a hospital, or OR, or Halloween parade. And I can stop and help toss a toy to a child, without worrying and thinking so much about what harm this action may cause. And we can go all back to usual activities, like going to school and work, going to a restaurant, traveling, and going on vacation, without so much fear and worry. I hope this change will come soon, and these pervasive masks in our daily environments everywhere will be a distant memory.
I heard a definition recently that middle age is 35-65. (I do think this a variable definition depending on what source you read. But after reflecting on this more in my life, I tend to agree this time frame may be a good definition.) Gulp. I am IN that age group. How did that happen? I truly did not realize I am already middle aged. Indeed, on further reflection, I agree I am in a different age group than young adulthood. I feel older, and in a different realm from my college years or early college graduate years (the fun and youthful “20s,” if you will). It is sometimes hard to accept, though, that time is marching on. And that I am older.
A sign I am getting older…your child holding a sign for the first day of 1st grade! These kids are growing like weeds!
I suppose in my mind I was thinking age 40 was a bigger milestone, and would accept myself into middle age then. I think that turning 40 will still be a big deal. I plan to celebrate that year grandly. Maybe a big trip. Or taking on a challenge of a different, crazy race. The Hood To Coast Relay, with its craziness and challenges, is appealing to me. (Any takers who want to join me?) But it still is a bit eye opening that I am already considered middle aged. A reminder that I am getting older, and I can’t stop time.
What does it mean to get older? I think it is a good thing and a bad thing. Your body gets older. You aren’t as flexible or as spry as you used to be. But you gain a ton of life experience. I feel that time is the best teacher for me. Practice in life has given me more confidence in myself and my abilities. Without life experience, I would not have the wherewithal to take on my job as a physician, wife, and mother. True, I am still relatively early on in life, and have a ton of living left to do. But it is humbling to think I am getting closer to the midway point than I may care to admit.
I think getting older gives me more past memories and experiences to look back on and draw from when making future decisions. I like looking back, too, at photos or memories and thinking about them. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that my daughter is now 6 years old. I see old photos from half a decade ago and wonder at how the years have marched on. I like to think, though, that I have filled those moments and years with good memories, particularly for my family.
Keep on trucking, or riding that train! (Embrace the mess and chaos.) . Time will keep on marching on. Getting older means getting wiser, and gaining memories and friends along the way. Enjoy the journey!
As the next several months and years unfold, I hope to continue to grow and adapt. I may not like getting older sometimes. Who likes wrinkles, or creaky knees, or aches and pains? But I do relish the memories and the knowledge I have gained with that time I’ve had thus far on this earth. Hello, middle age. I didn’t realize I already made it, but I am glad I am here.
It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like. I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day. Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc. It is important to accept the imperfections in life. But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like. If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you. You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day. Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of. And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.
At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:
Wake up when I felt like it.
No alarms. No need to get up at a set time. I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired. Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in. But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!
I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh. This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better. With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning. It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.
Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.
I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate. I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying. I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like. Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.
Time and energy to spend with my family.
Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work. I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love. It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.
Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.
My days are busy and jampacked. Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out. I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself. And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like? What did I hate? What will I try to repeat again in the future? What will I try to avoid? I think that could be accomplished via self reflection, journaling, or talking through my day with my husband. But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.
Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.
I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night. Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not. Should I be getting more? Probably. But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do. In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep. And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.
Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”
I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do. And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes). I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep. Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day, I feel like I have accomplished a lot. My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it. Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate. As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.
It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency. (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago. Where did those years go?) . I can still recall…
It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency. (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago. Where did those years go?) . I can still recall wearing maternity clothes and compression stockings during my pregnancy, dealing with being on my feet while carrying her and being a resident. I can remember the fatigue as I was working and as she was developing within me during my pregnancy. Coupling all of the pregnancy demands with my medical residency expectations, I am not sure now how I managed it all. This was of course an early example of my busy doctor mom life in the making.
My daughter will be swinging into 1st grade soon!
I remember being in the hospital for her delivery, and the newness and fear and associated with being a brand new parent. (They are giving us this small being, and we get to take them home with us? But…what do we do now?) I also remember taking her to the doctor for her newborn checkup a couple of days after going home from the hospital. A wee little thing at that point, she was 5 lbs, 4 oz at that visit. I remember a fellow parent in the waiting room commented on how tiny she looked.
Now, this little girl is 6 years old. She is about to enter 1st grade later this month! I can hardly believe this, as time seems to be marching on without me realizing it. The advice by fellow parents is right – time really does fly by, sometimes going too fast.
I value my time with my kids now when they are little. But it can be trying and exhausting, and sometimes I find myself wishing they were both a bit older. That would give me a break from all of the hands on care that toddlers and young children require. But other times, I realize this time is fleeting. And raising older kids will introduce a whole host of new challenges – school activities and after school activities, navigating the social scene, etc. There will be a time my kids do not want me to hold them (and I won’t be able to carry them as they will be too heavy/too big!). They won’t want to hold my hand, being too cool/too old for it. They won’t want me to cuddle with them at the end of the day. It will tug at my heart for sure when that day comes. But I am trying to imprint on my memory now the times I have with them when they are little.
This time with my children is a gift. We get 18 years to raise them, and guide them on this path of life. I hope to raise 2 strong, hard working people. We still have quite a ways to go. But looking at my calendar and seeing “Maddie’s first day of 1st grade” is around the bend, I realize that this 18 years is going by faster than it seems. I think looking forward is good, to plan, and to arrange a life you want. But it is also vital to look back and see how far we’ve come, and to really take time to enjoy the present moment.
Feeling blessed and fortunate to have these two little ones in my life.
Time is precious, and unfortunately, it is not renewable. You can’t get time back. (But wouldn’t time travel be amazing?) I hope I am spending my time wisely, particularly as I am spending it with my husband and children. I am so grateful for my family and this time I have with them. Looking back on past memories (good and bad helps solidify this gratitude within me, and makes me proud of how far we’ve come. On hard days, especially, it is easy for me to overlook this gift of time. But I try to remind myself of the positive, and how beautiful and powerful being a parent truly is. I hope to never forget how valuable this time is with my family, and how blessed I am to travel on this life journey with my husband and children.
I think Independence Day naturally makes me think of the gifts I have. Sometimes, we can take the gift of independence and freedom for granted. But when this is threatened -e .g. our time or our resources or our health are taken from us, we start to realize the blessings we truly have.
Something I’ve strived for more and more is protecting my gift of time. When I have control and autonomy over my schedule, I feel so much more free. Of course, you cannot control everything in life. There are things I wish I had more control over, always. But at least having some semblance of control of more of my day brings me more joy and happiness. One way I have done that in the last year is changing jobs.
I am truly grateful for my new opportunity to practice telemedicine. This gives me an interesting new way to develop care to patients. And as an incredible bonus, I am able to work from home. This has freed up a bunch of my energy and time, and mental bandwidth, as it has eliminated a need for a commute.
My new job has also given me more autonomy in setting my schedule so I can juggle my other responsibilities as wife and mom, and so I can take care of me via my hobbies and self care. In turn, I think this has given me a greater sense of that elusive concept pf “Work Life Balance.” I think it is impossible to do multiple things all perfectly, but I think you learn to maximize as much as you can, to get all of your buckets “good enough” so you are happy and functioning.
As I reflect on Independence Day this weekend, I will work on keeping gratitude at the top of my mind. There are so many things we have to be thankful for in the United States. Sure, there are things that could be better – life is never perfect. But I feel we have come very far in the last couple of decades. And in the last 30-40 years, technology has brought many gifts to our society and to our nation. Would you have believed many of us would be carrying a smart phone around, with the power not only to call each other, but also to check the Internet, which contains such a huge wealth of knowledge it is difficult to fathom?
So much to be grateful for this year, including freedom to spend more time with these two cuties.
Again, Happy 4th of July and happy Independence weekend. I hope you too can find things to be grateful for. As the next few days go by, I would hope you find some time to reflect on our country’s gift of independence, and the great things our nation has to offer.
I have been looking more consistently at the “optimistic” side of things lately. And it has totally turned my day to day activities around, for the better! Instead of dreading a long tedious day at work, I look at the positives, with each minute and each hour. How can I help my next patient? What things can I learn from him or her? What makes this fellow human being interesting and valuable? Also, I look inward every now and then and take stock in what accomplishments I have made. Look at how far I have come! Several years into practice, I now have the experience and confidence to make decisions that I would agonize over for several minutes.
What about all the Bad Stuff Out There?
I know, I know, you read or watch the news and you cannot help but see all of the negativity out there. You sometimes cannot help but yield to the pessimism that surrounds us. But, it really matters how you perceive and look at things, since your attitude has a huge bearing on how you feel. I also think that having this positive outlook will improve your gratitude and thankfulness for all of the good in your life. And this will make you a better person!
Me and Luca. This little guy always manages to get me smiling and thankful!
I credit my more positive attitude to my binge-listening of “Optimal Living Daily,” a free podcast that reads short clips from various personal development blogs out there. Totally digestible, as they are short chunks of high yield information. I wish I had found this earlier! This is a great way to break up your morning commute. I personally add them to my morning workout playlist, which makes my workout breeze by. I also am addicted to Optimal Finance Daily, another offering from the Optimal Living Daily creators. These short clips from financial blogs will help improve your financial health. Please try them out!
