I recently had an awakening call about the finite aspect of life. This lesson was given to me by our pet cat, Pixie.
Our cat saying “hi” to the camera.
We have had Pixie now for about 11 years. She has been a steadfast fixture of our family for over a decade now. She is a typical cat, I think, with her personality. She is very opinionated and particular in how/when she is petted (that is, not very often, and on her own schedule, and you better not forget that, or she will remind you firmly each and every time).
In June, our cat suddenly became sick. (She is usually healthy and fortunately not on any chronic medications. I only take her to the vet (begrudgingly for her) for annual checkups and vaccinations.) That weekend in June, she was having unusual accidents outside of the litter box, which was very atypical. She was not eating or drinking, which again was very unusual. (She is a “foodie” if I every met one, and she loves her meal time. She vocalizes to me with a loud “Meow!” to feed her each morning and afternoon when I walk near her bowl.) She was hiding in our basement behind a door to avoid being touched, another new and alarming behavior.
We decided to take her to the vet ER, as of course, this occurred on a Sunday evening when the vet offices were not open. And the check in process was adjusted and different due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and I needed to drop her off in the parking lot and wait in my car. (I fortunately never had to take her to the vet ER, so this was all new territory for me.) After an evaluation behind closed doors, I received a call from the vet with news I dreaded deep down but hoped and prayed that I would not get: they found a large mass in Pixie’s abdomen. And malignancy (cancer) was high on the list of possibilities.
Given how sick she was, and not eating or drinking or not acting normally, I opted to have her stay overnight for further testing and IV hydration. The testing confirmed a mass, and likely again cancer and namely lymphoma was most suspected. Surgery would not solve this, and other therapy (for example, chemotherapy) would be options, but not a definitive cure. We opted to stop further testing, and instead pursue a palliative approach, as aggressive testing and therapy would not really prolong life much longer, perhaps 6 months. (And from my experience seeing testing and therapy in humans for malignancy, I could foresee this route of aggressive medical therapy giving lesser quality of life, with only slight increase in quantity of life.) This was a difficult decision but one we felt was best for Pixie.
Since this unhappy event, I personally have taken life more seriously and have been reminded it is delicate. I cherish all of my time with my cat and all the people I love. Luckily, with a prescription prednisolone (a steroid) daily, and the IV hydration in the vet hospital, our cat’s life has approached a bit of normalcy. I have noticed she more content now to sit and sleep a bit more, and seems less active than usual. But she is back to using her litter box normally, and eating and drinking again. She is purring and begging for pets when it (again) suits her. We are spoiling her more with her favorites (more tuna, cream, and cat treats). She still has a limited prognosis, but her quality of life seems good. And we get some time to be with her and a more gradual way to say goodbye.
One our our cat’s favorite poses, one I call “Time to Sunbathe.”
This experience has highlighted to me that life is unfortunately not forever. It will be my children’s first lesson with death, which is a very difficult topic. We have discussed this with my daughter and son as foreshadowing of what is to come, but I am sure the actual ending will be hard for all of us. The pandemic also runs parallel to this, and I think this has given me more to ponder about life and death, and all of what we can control and cannot. It is not a fun topic to think about. But this reminder that life is finite has reminded me to enjoy life each day as it comes, and to live in the moment.
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems…
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems surreal what is happening to all of us.
Embrace the changing landscape, even if it includes a new virus. Or leopards.
The initial phase of quarantine was very hard for my family and me. My children were home from school and daycare. My husband also had times of working from home. Luckily, I am working from home with my job, and I am incredibly grateful for this. If I had to go out, I would constantly worry about my risks of contracting COVID-19 as a physician in an office, a hospital, or nursing home. There would likely be a need to isolate myself from my family. As I hug and kiss my family members each day, I remind myself of my special blessed situation working as a telemedicine physician full time, in my own home office each and every day.
As the nation begins to slowly reopen, it has also been difficult to see the spike in cases and the worry and angst this brings to all of us. I try to remind myself constantly, however, to control what I can control, and leave and let be other things I cannot.
I can wear a mask. I can practice frequent hand washing. I can social distance as often as is feasibly possible, limiting time out among strangers. If I get sick (which thankfully, I have not so far), I will stay home. I do this to keep myself and my loved ones safe, but also to do my part to protect others in the community.
Are these changes intrusive? At times and in ways, yes. It is hard not having usual activities, hard not to go out and do the things I am used to. Are they impossible to do? I do not think so. Yes, they can be challenging to maintain. This pandemic, however, is not finished.
The virus that causes COVID-19 is still out there, able to infect so many. It is incredibly contagious, and that is the public health concern and my worry as a physician. This contagious nature of the illness are what these measures (mask wearing, social distancing, frequent hand hygiene) are trying to combat. Until there is more definitive/effective therapy and hopefully prevention measures like a vaccine, this “new normal” will be here unfortunately for some time. It has been difficult for me to accept this, but I must. As above, I cannot control this pandemic, or make it go away. But I can control my thoughts and my actions. I can focus on keeping my mental health and physical health as optimized as possible. I can continue to live life in ways that keep me and my loved ones as safe and healthy as possible.
When I am hitting a rough patch in life, be it at work or on my running training plan, this phrase runs through my head: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” For me, I think this means you persevere in the face of challenges. If something is tough, you can become tough to rise to the challenge and meet that tough thing head on. Sure, there are some insurmountable challenges out there. But if you face them with grit and determination, I think you can accomplish a lot more than you think.
When the going gets tough, fight back! Also, as Maddie is so aptly demonstrating, making silly faces at the same time makes for a more fun experience.
A tough hill, for example, often breeds some discord in my mind. (There are plenty of hills in western Pennsylvania where I live, I can tell you that.) This hill is crazy. How am I supposed to get over that elevation? Ugh. This is too hard. When the negative self talk starts overtaking my thoughts, I take a deep breath, reset myself, and remind myself “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” This often helps me reframe my mind and powers me up the hill.
I think this can be an analogy to life as well. There are things I sometimes don’t want to do at work. Again, I think a bit to my running practice, and approaching a nasty hill, and mimic my behavior. I recenter myself, take a deep breath (or two, or three), and quiet my inner critic with the old adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I refocus my self talk then to be more motivational. I can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving. Concentrate on this one step. One two, one two. You’ve got this.
Practice doing hard things. And enjoy the lighter (and funnier) things in life along the way!
And the more I practice doing hard things, the easier it gets to take on the challenges. Sure, life is still hard. But by practicing steeling myself and doing the hard things anyway each and every day, I think I become a calmer, more patient human being. And I think I do become tougher the more I do hard things. The challenges in life are by no means a happy thing, and sometimes can crowd out the enjoyable things in life. But with these challenges, I see a way for me to become a better, stronger, tougher person. The going may get tough, that is a given. In spite of this, though, I will strive to meet the challenge head on, and keep going.
I heard a definition recently that middle age is 35-65. (I do think this a variable definition depending on what source you read. But after reflecting on this more in my life, I tend to agree this time frame may be a good definition.) Gulp. I am IN that age group. How did that happen? I truly did not realize I am already middle aged. Indeed, on further reflection, I agree I am in a different age group than young adulthood. I feel older, and in a different realm from my college years or early college graduate years (the fun and youthful “20s,” if you will). It is sometimes hard to accept, though, that time is marching on. And that I am older.
A sign I am getting older…your child holding a sign for the first day of 1st grade! These kids are growing like weeds!
I suppose in my mind I was thinking age 40 was a bigger milestone, and would accept myself into middle age then. I think that turning 40 will still be a big deal. I plan to celebrate that year grandly. Maybe a big trip. Or taking on a challenge of a different, crazy race. The Hood To Coast Relay, with its craziness and challenges, is appealing to me. (Any takers who want to join me?) But it still is a bit eye opening that I am already considered middle aged. A reminder that I am getting older, and I can’t stop time.
What does it mean to get older? I think it is a good thing and a bad thing. Your body gets older. You aren’t as flexible or as spry as you used to be. But you gain a ton of life experience. I feel that time is the best teacher for me. Practice in life has given me more confidence in myself and my abilities. Without life experience, I would not have the wherewithal to take on my job as a physician, wife, and mother. True, I am still relatively early on in life, and have a ton of living left to do. But it is humbling to think I am getting closer to the midway point than I may care to admit.
I think getting older gives me more past memories and experiences to look back on and draw from when making future decisions. I like looking back, too, at photos or memories and thinking about them. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that my daughter is now 6 years old. I see old photos from half a decade ago and wonder at how the years have marched on. I like to think, though, that I have filled those moments and years with good memories, particularly for my family.
Keep on trucking, or riding that train! (Embrace the mess and chaos.) . Time will keep on marching on. Getting older means getting wiser, and gaining memories and friends along the way. Enjoy the journey!
As the next several months and years unfold, I hope to continue to grow and adapt. I may not like getting older sometimes. Who likes wrinkles, or creaky knees, or aches and pains? But I do relish the memories and the knowledge I have gained with that time I’ve had thus far on this earth. Hello, middle age. I didn’t realize I already made it, but I am glad I am here.
I think all parents strive to teach their kids to love others. The golden rule is often something we try to instill in our kids: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all…
I think all parents strive to teach their kids to love others. The golden rule is often something we try to instill in our kids: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all simply followed this maxim? I think a lot of conflicts and disagreements could be solved a lot easier and with a lot less pain and negativity.) Often I teach my kids to love others by correcting their actions when they aren’t in line with social norms. “Please share your toys.” “Do not hit or bite others.” “Take turns.” I also try to do this through example. (Sometimes, this idea of setting the example can be challenging, if I am not having the best day. I try to remind myself, though, that those little impressionable faces are watching me.) . I think a big reason we try to teach kids to love others and treat them right is to “make the world a better place.” And keep things calm and orderly. Who wants conflict and arguing all the time? The opposite is often preferred. But I think a bigger driver for me in teaching my kids to love others is to create a way for our kids to be loved.
I love these kids with all of my heart, for always. I hope to teach them, too, to love others and follow the Golden Rule.
You cannot force others to like you, in spite of what the media may portray. (You cannot always buy the right shoes, clothes, cars, or other “stuff” to get others to respect and love you. That won’t stop the commercials, though, from appealing to your desire to “fit in.”) . Some people like you, some people don’t. But you can certainly tilt the table in your favor if you are simply nice to others. As the old saying goes, “What goes around, comes around.” I think the scariest thing to think about as a parent is the fact that your child will one day be on their own. And someday, you won’t always be there for them, be it because they are independent and are out on the real world, or you have passed on to the next life. Scary and humbling for sure.
My simple wish for my kids, that I think underlies all of my actions with them as a mom, is to make sure they love others, and thus, in return, I hope they will be loved, too. I want them to have friends and support. When they are little, the support and loving environment is set up for them, and me, my husband, and our collection of supportive family (e.g. aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas) all love my kids to pieces. As my children get older and start getting into the school system (Maddie is already there!), this circle expands. Teachers, classmates, bus drivers, staff, coaches. I think this mimics our entry into the “real world” as well. Each year and each step along the way toward becoming an “adult,” we are introduced to a bigger social circle and more variables when it comes to “fitting in” to the world. It is scary. But it is also an opportunity to gain support and community.
Mmmm…chocolate covered pretzels! Even more delicious, though, are these cute smiles and the sibling love I see in this photo.
I think another challenge I set for myself as a parent is trying to balance sensitivity and confidence in my children. I want my child to be in tune with others’ emotions. This is no easy task, and one that is learned through trial and error and nurturing our emotional intelligence. I am sure we all know some adults who could learn to be more sensitive. At the same time, though, we do not want our children to be over-sensitive, and afraid to engage in social situations. This takes practice, and I still struggle with this concept. A counterpoint, then, to sensitivity, in my mind, would be self confidence. I would want my children to have a nice balance of the two qualities in their personalities: sensitivity and self confidence. What is the right ratio of the two? I have no idea. I have a feeling it is different for different people and different personalities. I am sure parenting (and life) would be a lot easier if we knew how to navigate social and emotional situations better. Where is the instruction manual for parenting, and for life? I think, though, by my reflection on this topic and being mindful of this goal, I will better nurture both of these qualities in my children. I hope, too, I am also working to develop these two qualities in myself. As a physician, I see how both sensitivity and a sense of self-confidence are crucial to delivering good quality, yet compassionate, care. Too much of one or the other is not a good thing.
So again, this is my simple, but challenging, wish I have for my children. I will love my children with all of my heart, forever. That will not change. But some day, I hope that by my example and by my gentle guidance, they will be good and loving to others in all they do. It will ideally be an auto-pilot kind of behavior, that is, to be nice to others, and I won’t need to be sitting over their shoulder making sure they are doing the right thing. They will be sensitive to the needs of others, and yet confident in their own abilities and actions to get things done, and not be overburdened by fear or self doubt. And, I hope that by being loving and caring to others, good karma will come around and they will be loved in return, even after I am gone.
My daughter insightfully declared a few weeks ago…”I wish you didn’t have to work.” That simple, innocent statement stuck with me since. I think this occurred after I explained I was too tired to do something with her that she wanted to do. Kids really pick up on associations quickly, huh? Work steals away some of my time and energy, and thus takes away some of the time and energy I have to devote to my family. I replied honestly that I wish I didn’t have to work either. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, having financial security to thus regain time back with those you love?
Hoping for more carefree times like this with my little gal.
As I explained in my post about financial independence, I think I have found a really neat life tool to get to my desire to make work optional. I am one that always needs things to do. I like to make “To Do” lists on my phone or in my journal, and I like to keep planning ahead for the future. So I don’t think I will ever sit still too long. However, as my daughter alluded to, work prevents me often from doing what I would rather be doing. One huge value and priority in my life is family and nurturing my relationships with my family members. And often my 8 hour work day takes away from that. It would be nice to have more flexibility to instead work say part time, and set my schedule myself for when I would want to work.
I read a great book on this very topic, that is financial independence and making work optional, a few months ago: Work Optional: Retire Early the Non-Penny-Pinching Way, by Tanja Hester. I would recommend this read to anyone wanting to learn more about financial independence. I really liked how the author spelled out a pathway to learning your values and priorities and life, and then extrapolating how financial independence can give you the power to then create the type of life you want. She also spells out some math on how to achieve this, including the calculators for determining your needed “Financial independence” number (i.e. 25x your annual spending) that I have described in my financial independence post, and other authors in the financial independence community have also described.
I like her different take on buckets of money for those pursuing early retirement as well, with some funds preserved to be used true older retirement (i.e. after age 59 1/2 or 60) and other funds you plan to use in early retirement (i.e. in your 30s, 40s, and/or 50s). There are ways to tap into your retirement savings earlier with the Roth IRA conversion ladder technique (see an explanation of this topic here), but I appreciated the author’s idea of keeping your funds separate. After all, one great fear of any retiree is if you will run out of money. It would not be pretty or pleasant to have to return to work in your 50s or 60s, after being out of the workforce for several years. Indeed, it would be challenging, and you could not re-enter the workforce at the same place you left. Given your gap in working, several employers would likely question your motives or your competence. And you would probably need to either take a paycut and start lower down in your chosen career path, or pick a different line of work with less pay.
By separating out your funds that way, you can better control for future ups and downs in your spending needs and the market. Things taking a turn for the worse in your investments? Having different buckets would mean your age 60+ funds are still left alone to grow and regain things (hopefully) in the future when the market rebounds. But to compensate, you can use your early retirement funds more wisely and more frugally, e.g. taking out a smaller percentage e.g. 3-3.5%, and perhaps taking on a side gig to compensate.
I have also read some other books on the topic, including Financial Freedom: A Proven Path to All the Money You Will Ever Need, by Grant Sabatier, and Quit Like a Millionaire: No Gimmicks, Luck, or Trust Fund Required, by Kristy Shen and Bryce Leung. All of these authors have different ways they approached their journeys to financial independence and achieved it, and offer their own advice to readers who want to follow the pathway, too. I think all of these different perspectives show there are multiple pathways to get to where you want to go with the financial independence journey. In fact, this shows there are multiple answers sometimes to one problem.
My current finances do not allow me to stop working just yet, or go part time (which is a less scary path I am considering in the near future). However, I think hearing my daughter’s wish the other day, “I wish you didn’t have to work,” rekindled my commitment in my path to achieving financial independence. Getting to a point where work is optional would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. If something were to happen where I did need to quit, or the market were to change and my job security were to be lost, having that power of financial independence would be so freeing and empowering. I could foresee in the future that the challenge of balancing it all as a busy doctor mom and working mom could get to be too much. Right now, I feel that I am happy in my current roles and in my current busy life, but this may not always be the case.
I love this happy kid! I hope to prioritize my life and time to spend more time with those I love most, namely my husband and kids.
I think I’ll remind myself of my daughter’s innocent statement (“I wish you didn’t have to work!”) each time I analyze my finances and my path to financial independence. It is important to look at where you are, but it is important also to see where you are going, and to live this life intentionally and with purpose. My pursuit of financial independence, I feel, is my tool to regaining control over my life and my time.
I’ve been learning about financial independence (“FI”) over the last couple of years. I was introduced to this terminology via the podcast “Choose FI“. (I heard about them via another great financial author and podcaster, the “White Coat Investor“, Dr. Jim Dahle. This FI movement, I think, is in line with how my husband and I naturally and intuitively live – living frugally, spending wisely, and trying to save as much as possible. This movement, though, highlights the fact that this choice of lifestyle isn’t typical. Indeed, perhaps, we should all be saving more than we do and it should be the natural life path for all of us. Gone are the days of pensions and company loyalty, and your company of 40 years “taking care of you” upon retirement. Now, there are 401K’s, and independent savings accounts, and the onus is placed on the employee to save properly and to be financially responsible. But how many of us are really well versed or trained in this idea of saving for the future?
The average savings rate for the United States is indeed a bit paltry, at about 6-9 % from the research I have seen on statistics websites (here and here are some resources tracking savings rates that I came across). To truly retire “on time” at age 65 (which is an arbitrary number, by the way, picked when Social Security was created and chosen since that was close to the average life expectancy at the time), a savings rate probably double this average (12-20%) is likely more in order. As Americans are living longer as well, thanks to better healthcare and technology, we likely need even more money in our nest egg to live off of in our “golden years,” and the odds of living past 65 is indeed more likely than 50+ years ago (I’m sure that is something to be thankful for). And if you are a “late starter” like me, with a delay in starting full time employment after over a decade of training and schooling to become a physician, the savings rate should be even higher to “catch up”, i.e. 20-30% or higher.
As I teach my kids about money in the coming years, I hope to teach them about the power of savings and compound interest. If you can harness the power of time and save early, and embrace delayed gratification, you can really ensure future retirement and future freedom in life, freedom away from employment. You can’t dwell too long on your past mistakes, but I sure wish I had saved more when I was younger.
I saw the documentary and read the book, “Playing with FIRE” by Scott Rieckens a couple of months ago, and I think this documentary and book both can be a good introduction to the FIRE (Financially Independent, Retire Early) movement for those without prior knowledge. For me, a lot was review, but it was nice to see this with my husband who I’ve been discussing this concept with, and highlighting the tenets of Financial Independence, primarily analyzing and controlling spending to be more in line with your values, and to increase your savings rate. Spend less, save more. For the early retirees highlighted, I believe their savings rates were 50% or often higher. I thought the documentary was a good introduction into how we should save more to buy back our independence. I don’t necessarily plan to “Retire Early” but I do embrace the concept of Financial Independence as a tool for freedom. I would like to make work optional, perhaps work part time and set my own hours to allow more time for my family. In that way, I could continue to work simply for the mental benefit and emotional benefit of helping others, instead of the stress and strain of earning money to payoff debt or pay bills.
As the “Playing With FIRE” documentary highlights, the idea of financial independence is simply math, and this can drive your retirement if you so choose, be that early retirement or standard “65 and older” retirement. You want to ensure you have enough money in your accounts, or enough income via passive means (e.g. real estate rental income, etc) to ensure you have enough money to live off of. For the early retiree, to ensure you live off of the returns of your investments, you would calculate your needed portfolio (or your “FI number”) as 25x your yearly spending needs. (I won’t get too technical here and dig too far into the weeds (you can read other fine blog posts or books out there about how this math works). But the value of 4% withdrawal rate stemmed from a well known Trinity Study from 1998, which analyzed several retirement portfolios and their success rate. It turned out via their analysis that a 4% withdrawal rate succeeded 95% of the time. That is, there would be a 95% chance your money would last your entire needed retirement. And the 25x multiplier is due to the fact you would divide your annual spending by 4%, so the math is you are taking 1 divided by 4%, which is 25.)
One criticism I have for the documentary is that it seems to make frugal living seem like a chore, and at times highlights a big savings rate as sacrifice, or being deprived. But I don’t necessarily see living frugally as deprivation. I instead try to see my choices in life, money or otherwise, as ways to live my values and to live life intentionally. If I want to spend on trips, or books, or electronics, in the long run, this can be okay. But on the flip side, I won’t have money for other things I may not value as much, such as having coffee out every day, or clothing, or designer purses. And I am okay with that. You can’t have everything. I believe that instead of striving to hoard money or wealth, you should instead focus your efforts choosing what you want in life. And money can be your tool to get that life you want. Spend wisely in the areas of life that light you up, and make choices NOT to spend in other categories that don’t matter to you.
A budget is a way to ensure you are spending within your means. In my opinion, it is meant to be a tool for living well, not a tool for suffering and deprivation or highlighting all you have done wrong the month before with your spending habits. The way I see it, you get so much money to work with in your paycheck. Some of that money can go to what you need to spend on (fixed monthly expenses, such as rent or mortgage, utilities, etc), some can go toward what you want to spend on (what you value, ideally, but are highly variable from person to person, such as hobbies or entertainment), and some should go to savings, either for cash flow (e.g. emergency fund, or for short term funds needed in the next few months to years for planned purchases, or for long term savings, such as investing for retirement). The set expenses need to be covered, such as mortgage and utilities, and these are not very negotiable for the most part. (You can of course analyze these fixed expenses from time to time and shop around, for example, on rates for your insurance. But for the most part, there is going to be a need to pay something for these needs each month.) What is more exciting for me in terms of spending plans and budgeting is the variable part of your spending. The variable spending category NOT have to follow a cookie cutter formula placed on a website. I.e. you do NOT have to spend X% on entertainment, and/or Y% on food. You can adjust these spending amounts as you see fit, and this can be a moving target as well. Each month does NOT need to follow the same pattern. You could push to be more frugal in one area to free up funds to go nuts in another area you really want to spend in. If one month you want to spend more on travel or vacation or going to restaurants, go for it. But realize that you won’t have extra leftover to spend on clothing, or electronics, or whatever other variable/luxury item you desire. (Aren’t a lot of the things we buy these days luxuries?)
As I strive each day to follow the pathway to financial independence, I hope to gain more fun times like this in the future, with my three favorite people.
I see financial independence as a gateway or tool toward my own time independence. I would love to have more control over my day to day life. I want to have autonomy and power over how my day is set up. If every night could be like a Friday night, or every day like a Saturday in terms of my mood, that would be awesome! No dread, nothing to fear, just fun and activities that I can pick. If I want to work, I will do so. If I want time for a prolonged vacation, or an impromptu trip to a park with my family, I can do so. Time is unfortunately a limited resource. We are essentially trading our time at work for money, and in the end, when it comes to retirement (either traditional or early), we are trading that money back for time.
My plan for the near future is to first pay off my student loan debt. After this, I will then refocus these funds toward aggressive savings toward my goal of financial independence. I will work on enjoying my journey toward financial independence. You need to enjoy the ride, and not be too focused on the end destination. After all, if you fixate too much on the goal, you will miss some of the fun along the way. I also see this financial independence journey as a way for me to combat burnout. With this tool, I can start to see my life and my actions as more meaningful. In my daily work life, sometimes my job can feel like drudgery. But for me, financial independence has allowed me to better see future freedom, a way I can control my life in the near future. Financial independence will enable me to create a life I want, one where I have control over how my time is spent. This is truly liberating, exciting, and fills me with incredible hope.
When my young toddler son was first mastering language, he used to have an amusing way of telling us he didn’t know something. He would say “I can’t know” if he didn’t know the answer to something we asked him, instead of “I don’t know. He has outgrown this to a degree, and now properly says “I don’t know” (and I miss his cute unintentional “toddler euphemism,” if you will).
“I can’t know” what is in this ice cream delicacy, but I DO know it is delicious. And very blue. (And coincidentally, it coordinates nicely with my outfit for the day. A fashionable bonus!)
But thinking further about this, his former answer of “I can’t know” can be a sign of humility and recognition of your own mental faculties. You can’t know everything. In spite of your best efforts to study and read and try to understand the world and all of its workings, it is impossible to be correct and right 100% of the time. And it is impossible to understand everything all of the time. This can be a hard pill for many of us to swallow. We like to have certainty in our lives. We like to have a better handle and understanding of the way this world works. It is liberating and truly wise, however, to recognize that there are things in this world that are beyond understanding.
I think realizing you have limitations is a powerful skill. Some may see this as weakness. But I think carrying a bias that you are invincible or all knowing as actually a weakness. It is foolhardy to think you know everything. This may harm others, or harm yourself. Take, for example, a doctor that feels they know all and treat their patient with what they feel is correct. But, in reality, the doctor is not up to date on the latest study or studies, and is practicing outdated medicine. It is good to be confident, but it is wrong to be overconfident.
I see my son’s statement as a short way to express humility. “I can’t know.” I can’t know the answer to every question. I can’t know all the latest news or studies. But I can look it up, or ask someone who does. I think humility is a mark of true wisdom. Humility is hard to come by sometimes. But I hope to instill this trait of humility in my children through example. I admire those with humility, as I can see these folks as acting confidently but also with a healthy realization that they have a lot to learn or a lot to improve on in life. We are all works in progress, and that is what makes life so challenging but interesting.
Life is about balance. A good metaphor for the balance between humility and confidence would be the balance of the cool, refreshing wetness of swimming, and the hot, warming phase of drying off and lounging beside the pool. Each are different and contrasting, but the balance of the two makes for a fun and memorable summer day!
It is important to have confidence, surely, as without it, I would not accomplish anything or finish any task set before me. I would be trapped in fear of the unknown or getting things wrong, or anxious that I would not be doing everything “just so.” However, a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence, I think, breeds success. By seeing where I can improve, I can then focus future actions on correcting that shortcoming. What is the right mix of the two (that is, humility and confidence)? I am sure it is different for different people and different situations. I believe the first step, though, is recognizing that both are worthwhile and important to balance in our lives and actions. And I will continue to try to exemplify this for my children as I take on my daily tasks as physician, wife, and mother.
It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like. I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day. Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc. It is important to accept the imperfections in life. But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like. If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you. You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day. Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of. And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.
At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:
Wake up when I felt like it.
No alarms. No need to get up at a set time. I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired. Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in. But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!
I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh. This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better. With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning. It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.
Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.
I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate. I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying. I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like. Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.
Time and energy to spend with my family.
Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work. I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love. It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.
Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.
My days are busy and jampacked. Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out. I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself. And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like? What did I hate? What will I try to repeat again in the future? What will I try to avoid? I think that could be accomplished via self reflection, journaling, or talking through my day with my husband. But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.
Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.
I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night. Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not. Should I be getting more? Probably. But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do. In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep. And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.
Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”
I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do. And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes). I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep. Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day, I feel like I have accomplished a lot. My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it. Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate. As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.
My daughter was chanting this the other day, but making a funny word substitution…”Finders Keepers, Losers Sweepers.” I tried to correct her word substitution, but she insisted her way of saying this was correct. This amused me, of course. But it also got me thinking… What if she was on to something? Finders do keep what they have. But losers may gain something as well.
This little gal is enjoying some sugar on a summer day. It is truly enjoyable to time out of my busy life to revel in rest and rejuvenation with my children.
When you lose, you give something up. This may be a victory, or a possession. However, perhaps my daughter’s inadvertent statement opens up a possible role of a loss. When you are a loser, you “sweep away” whatever it was that you lost. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. Often, though, letting go of things in the long run can be good.
In our overcrowded, overstimulated, overfilled lives, I think we may need to learn to take a step back more often. Our digital lifestyles are connecting us to each other and to information more than I ever imagined growing up. But, this may be at a cost to our sanity and mental health. Indeed, many folks take digital detox breaks to reconnect with the simpler world.
As a telemedicine physician, I am connected to technology during my workday, and I love it. I enjoy connecting with patients around the country via this cool, new medium. It is different, and a challenge. But once the day is done, sometimes I hop onto my home laptop, or home smartphone, or home tablet. And sometimes after doing so, I feel more fried, not rejuvenated. I think my body and mind, with their fatigue symptoms, are trying to tell me something. Too much of a good thing is no longer good.
Take time to stop and smell the roses…and ride a pony, too, if one happens to cross your path.
As my daughter phrased it, “Finder’s Keepers, Losers Sweepers”… perhaps we should let go of our technology and busy lives and sweep away the clutter and noise. That way, we can reconnect with ourselves, our families, our thoughts and feelings, and live a hopefully more peaceful existence. Instead of weeping and mourning a loss, perhaps we can see the loss as a gain. Gaining of freedom, gaining of time. That opening in our lives can allow something else in. For me, less is truly more, and gives me more time to recharge. I think I’ll take my daughter’s advice more here in the future, and see losing and letting go as a way to clean and “sweep away” what I really don’t need.
