Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems…
Like many of you, I am struggling with our “new normal” during the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems surreal what is happening to all of us.
Embrace the changing landscape, even if it includes a new virus. Or leopards.
The initial phase of quarantine was very hard for my family and me. My children were home from school and daycare. My husband also had times of working from home. Luckily, I am working from home with my job, and I am incredibly grateful for this. If I had to go out, I would constantly worry about my risks of contracting COVID-19 as a physician in an office, a hospital, or nursing home. There would likely be a need to isolate myself from my family. As I hug and kiss my family members each day, I remind myself of my special blessed situation working as a telemedicine physician full time, in my own home office each and every day.
As the nation begins to slowly reopen, it has also been difficult to see the spike in cases and the worry and angst this brings to all of us. I try to remind myself constantly, however, to control what I can control, and leave and let be other things I cannot.
I can wear a mask. I can practice frequent hand washing. I can social distance as often as is feasibly possible, limiting time out among strangers. If I get sick (which thankfully, I have not so far), I will stay home. I do this to keep myself and my loved ones safe, but also to do my part to protect others in the community.
Are these changes intrusive? At times and in ways, yes. It is hard not having usual activities, hard not to go out and do the things I am used to. Are they impossible to do? I do not think so. Yes, they can be challenging to maintain. This pandemic, however, is not finished.
The virus that causes COVID-19 is still out there, able to infect so many. It is incredibly contagious, and that is the public health concern and my worry as a physician. This contagious nature of the illness are what these measures (mask wearing, social distancing, frequent hand hygiene) are trying to combat. Until there is more definitive/effective therapy and hopefully prevention measures like a vaccine, this “new normal” will be here unfortunately for some time. It has been difficult for me to accept this, but I must. As above, I cannot control this pandemic, or make it go away. But I can control my thoughts and my actions. I can focus on keeping my mental health and physical health as optimized as possible. I can continue to live life in ways that keep me and my loved ones as safe and healthy as possible.
I heard a definition recently that middle age is 35-65. (I do think this a variable definition depending on what source you read. But after reflecting on this more in my life, I tend to agree this time frame may be a good definition.) Gulp. I am IN that age group. How did that happen? I truly did not realize I am already middle aged. Indeed, on further reflection, I agree I am in a different age group than young adulthood. I feel older, and in a different realm from my college years or early college graduate years (the fun and youthful “20s,” if you will). It is sometimes hard to accept, though, that time is marching on. And that I am older.
A sign I am getting older…your child holding a sign for the first day of 1st grade! These kids are growing like weeds!
I suppose in my mind I was thinking age 40 was a bigger milestone, and would accept myself into middle age then. I think that turning 40 will still be a big deal. I plan to celebrate that year grandly. Maybe a big trip. Or taking on a challenge of a different, crazy race. The Hood To Coast Relay, with its craziness and challenges, is appealing to me. (Any takers who want to join me?) But it still is a bit eye opening that I am already considered middle aged. A reminder that I am getting older, and I can’t stop time.
What does it mean to get older? I think it is a good thing and a bad thing. Your body gets older. You aren’t as flexible or as spry as you used to be. But you gain a ton of life experience. I feel that time is the best teacher for me. Practice in life has given me more confidence in myself and my abilities. Without life experience, I would not have the wherewithal to take on my job as a physician, wife, and mother. True, I am still relatively early on in life, and have a ton of living left to do. But it is humbling to think I am getting closer to the midway point than I may care to admit.
I think getting older gives me more past memories and experiences to look back on and draw from when making future decisions. I like looking back, too, at photos or memories and thinking about them. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that my daughter is now 6 years old. I see old photos from half a decade ago and wonder at how the years have marched on. I like to think, though, that I have filled those moments and years with good memories, particularly for my family.
Keep on trucking, or riding that train! (Embrace the mess and chaos.) . Time will keep on marching on. Getting older means getting wiser, and gaining memories and friends along the way. Enjoy the journey!
As the next several months and years unfold, I hope to continue to grow and adapt. I may not like getting older sometimes. Who likes wrinkles, or creaky knees, or aches and pains? But I do relish the memories and the knowledge I have gained with that time I’ve had thus far on this earth. Hello, middle age. I didn’t realize I already made it, but I am glad I am here.
My daughter insightfully declared a few weeks ago…”I wish you didn’t have to work.” That simple, innocent statement stuck with me since. I think this occurred after I explained I was too tired to do something with her that she wanted to do. Kids really pick up on associations quickly, huh? Work steals away some of my time and energy, and thus takes away some of the time and energy I have to devote to my family. I replied honestly that I wish I didn’t have to work either. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, having financial security to thus regain time back with those you love?
Hoping for more carefree times like this with my little gal.
As I explained in my post about financial independence, I think I have found a really neat life tool to get to my desire to make work optional. I am one that always needs things to do. I like to make “To Do” lists on my phone or in my journal, and I like to keep planning ahead for the future. So I don’t think I will ever sit still too long. However, as my daughter alluded to, work prevents me often from doing what I would rather be doing. One huge value and priority in my life is family and nurturing my relationships with my family members. And often my 8 hour work day takes away from that. It would be nice to have more flexibility to instead work say part time, and set my schedule myself for when I would want to work.
I read a great book on this very topic, that is financial independence and making work optional, a few months ago: Work Optional: Retire Early the Non-Penny-Pinching Way, by Tanja Hester. I would recommend this read to anyone wanting to learn more about financial independence. I really liked how the author spelled out a pathway to learning your values and priorities and life, and then extrapolating how financial independence can give you the power to then create the type of life you want. She also spells out some math on how to achieve this, including the calculators for determining your needed “Financial independence” number (i.e. 25x your annual spending) that I have described in my financial independence post, and other authors in the financial independence community have also described.
I like her different take on buckets of money for those pursuing early retirement as well, with some funds preserved to be used true older retirement (i.e. after age 59 1/2 or 60) and other funds you plan to use in early retirement (i.e. in your 30s, 40s, and/or 50s). There are ways to tap into your retirement savings earlier with the Roth IRA conversion ladder technique (see an explanation of this topic here), but I appreciated the author’s idea of keeping your funds separate. After all, one great fear of any retiree is if you will run out of money. It would not be pretty or pleasant to have to return to work in your 50s or 60s, after being out of the workforce for several years. Indeed, it would be challenging, and you could not re-enter the workforce at the same place you left. Given your gap in working, several employers would likely question your motives or your competence. And you would probably need to either take a paycut and start lower down in your chosen career path, or pick a different line of work with less pay.
By separating out your funds that way, you can better control for future ups and downs in your spending needs and the market. Things taking a turn for the worse in your investments? Having different buckets would mean your age 60+ funds are still left alone to grow and regain things (hopefully) in the future when the market rebounds. But to compensate, you can use your early retirement funds more wisely and more frugally, e.g. taking out a smaller percentage e.g. 3-3.5%, and perhaps taking on a side gig to compensate.
I have also read some other books on the topic, including Financial Freedom: A Proven Path to All the Money You Will Ever Need, by Grant Sabatier, and Quit Like a Millionaire: No Gimmicks, Luck, or Trust Fund Required, by Kristy Shen and Bryce Leung. All of these authors have different ways they approached their journeys to financial independence and achieved it, and offer their own advice to readers who want to follow the pathway, too. I think all of these different perspectives show there are multiple pathways to get to where you want to go with the financial independence journey. In fact, this shows there are multiple answers sometimes to one problem.
My current finances do not allow me to stop working just yet, or go part time (which is a less scary path I am considering in the near future). However, I think hearing my daughter’s wish the other day, “I wish you didn’t have to work,” rekindled my commitment in my path to achieving financial independence. Getting to a point where work is optional would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. If something were to happen where I did need to quit, or the market were to change and my job security were to be lost, having that power of financial independence would be so freeing and empowering. I could foresee in the future that the challenge of balancing it all as a busy doctor mom and working mom could get to be too much. Right now, I feel that I am happy in my current roles and in my current busy life, but this may not always be the case.
I love this happy kid! I hope to prioritize my life and time to spend more time with those I love most, namely my husband and kids.
I think I’ll remind myself of my daughter’s innocent statement (“I wish you didn’t have to work!”) each time I analyze my finances and my path to financial independence. It is important to look at where you are, but it is important also to see where you are going, and to live this life intentionally and with purpose. My pursuit of financial independence, I feel, is my tool to regaining control over my life and my time.
When my young toddler son was first mastering language, he used to have an amusing way of telling us he didn’t know something. He would say “I can’t know” if he didn’t know the answer to something we asked him, instead of “I don’t know. He has outgrown this to a degree, and now properly says “I don’t know” (and I miss his cute unintentional “toddler euphemism,” if you will).
“I can’t know” what is in this ice cream delicacy, but I DO know it is delicious. And very blue. (And coincidentally, it coordinates nicely with my outfit for the day. A fashionable bonus!)
But thinking further about this, his former answer of “I can’t know” can be a sign of humility and recognition of your own mental faculties. You can’t know everything. In spite of your best efforts to study and read and try to understand the world and all of its workings, it is impossible to be correct and right 100% of the time. And it is impossible to understand everything all of the time. This can be a hard pill for many of us to swallow. We like to have certainty in our lives. We like to have a better handle and understanding of the way this world works. It is liberating and truly wise, however, to recognize that there are things in this world that are beyond understanding.
I think realizing you have limitations is a powerful skill. Some may see this as weakness. But I think carrying a bias that you are invincible or all knowing as actually a weakness. It is foolhardy to think you know everything. This may harm others, or harm yourself. Take, for example, a doctor that feels they know all and treat their patient with what they feel is correct. But, in reality, the doctor is not up to date on the latest study or studies, and is practicing outdated medicine. It is good to be confident, but it is wrong to be overconfident.
I see my son’s statement as a short way to express humility. “I can’t know.” I can’t know the answer to every question. I can’t know all the latest news or studies. But I can look it up, or ask someone who does. I think humility is a mark of true wisdom. Humility is hard to come by sometimes. But I hope to instill this trait of humility in my children through example. I admire those with humility, as I can see these folks as acting confidently but also with a healthy realization that they have a lot to learn or a lot to improve on in life. We are all works in progress, and that is what makes life so challenging but interesting.
Life is about balance. A good metaphor for the balance between humility and confidence would be the balance of the cool, refreshing wetness of swimming, and the hot, warming phase of drying off and lounging beside the pool. Each are different and contrasting, but the balance of the two makes for a fun and memorable summer day!
It is important to have confidence, surely, as without it, I would not accomplish anything or finish any task set before me. I would be trapped in fear of the unknown or getting things wrong, or anxious that I would not be doing everything “just so.” However, a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence, I think, breeds success. By seeing where I can improve, I can then focus future actions on correcting that shortcoming. What is the right mix of the two (that is, humility and confidence)? I am sure it is different for different people and different situations. I believe the first step, though, is recognizing that both are worthwhile and important to balance in our lives and actions. And I will continue to try to exemplify this for my children as I take on my daily tasks as physician, wife, and mother.
It is nice to dream about what a perfect day would look like. I think it personally helps me to strive to improve things I can in my life, to get closer and closer to that perfect day. Sure, perfections is not entirely possible, as there are things in life we have to do that we would rather not – chores, necessary mundane tasks, etc. It is important to accept the imperfections in life. But I think it is nice to have a picture in my mind what my perfect day would look like. If you haven’t tried this experiment before, I would recommend it, as it may be eye opening to you. You may see things you are doing that do NOT fit into that perfect day. Maybe it is time to do less of those things, or stop them altogether. Instead, it would be better to start focusing time and energy on things you love and things you want to be doing more of. And on days off e.g. the weekend, it may direct you to do the activities and passions that light you up, instead of squandering your free time on things that may not energize and refresh you.
A perfect day would certainly include ample quality time with my loves.
At any rate, here is how my perfect day would go:
Wake up when I felt like it.
No alarms. No need to get up at a set time. I could set my own schedule each and every day, as desired. Or have no schedule if desired. I am more productive in the mornings so I would likely have a lot of activities planned each morning. So I wouldn’t necessarily sleep in. But it would be nice to have the freedom and option to do so!
I prefer exercising in the morning when my mind and body are fresh. This is different for different people, but that seems to agree with me better. With the way my schedule is now, that isn’t really possible during the work week, as I start my workday early in the morning. It would be nice, though, to have the liberty of exercising when I would prefer.
Time for reading, journaling, and meditation.
I would love to have more time to read and learn, journal, and meditate. I feel these revive me, and I learn a lot by doing these activities. In addition, it helps offload my mind and the stressors I may be carrying. I do not have the luxury of doing these activities as much as I would like. Having more free time each day to do this I think would really boost my mental health and productivity.
Time and energy to spend with my family.
Sometimes I am very drained after a tough day at work. I regretfully sometimes approach my evenings with my family with fatigue and not much “left in the tank” to give to those I love. It would be nice to keep some of my energy reserves intact to nurture the relationships with my loved ones.
Time in the evening to decompress and reflect on my day.
My days are busy and jampacked. Sometimes I regretfully go through the actions, going from one task to the next – wake up, get ready, work, get dinner ready, pickup the kids, get the kids and myself ready for bed, conk out. I don’t always make the time to decompress and rewire myself. And I wish I also spent more time reflecting on the day and how it went. What did I really like? What did I hate? What will I try to repeat again in the future? What will I try to avoid? I think that could be accomplished via self reflection, journaling, or talking through my day with my husband. But often times, I don’t make this daily reflection a priority.
Getting to bed on time after a relaxing bedtime routine, and getting enough sleep.
I strive right now to get 6.5 hours of sleep at least per night. Sometimes I reach that, sometimes I regretfully do not. Should I be getting more? Probably. But it is hard to squeeze in all of the things I want to do. In a perfect day, however, it would be great to get 7-8 hours of sleep. And prior to sleep, to have a relaxing, calming bedtime routine each night, instead of forcing myself to close my eyes, and being anxious about getting enough sleep for the next day.
Final Thoughts on the Elusive but Laudable “Perfect Day”
I realize it isn’t possible to always have life go as planned. But having this ideal day in mind has helped me prioritize things I want to do, and like to do. And I have tried to cut down on things that do not serve me, such as too much social media scrolling (still guilty of this, though, more often than I would like), TV or video watching, or checking email (a time suck oftentimes). I have tried to set a list of priorities each day, and do the ones that I feel are most important, including spending time with my family and those I love, reading and writing, exercise, and trying to get enough self care and sleep. Other things are nice and fun to do, but I think if I hit those priorities at least to a small degree each day, I feel like I have accomplished a lot. My life may not be perfect, but it is a work in progress and I have the power to change it. Each day is refreshingly its own entity, and each morning gives me the opportunity to start over with a blank slate. As I take my life one day at a time, I hope to get closer and closer to a life and routine that will make me a happier, more productive version of me.
Always striving and scheming to rearrange my life, to create more quality time with this smiling face.
My daughter was chanting this the other day, but making a funny word substitution…”Finders Keepers, Losers Sweepers.” I tried to correct her word substitution, but she insisted her way of saying this was correct. This amused me, of course. But it also got me thinking… What if she was on to something? Finders do keep what they have. But losers may gain something as well.
This little gal is enjoying some sugar on a summer day. It is truly enjoyable to time out of my busy life to revel in rest and rejuvenation with my children.
When you lose, you give something up. This may be a victory, or a possession. However, perhaps my daughter’s inadvertent statement opens up a possible role of a loss. When you are a loser, you “sweep away” whatever it was that you lost. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. Often, though, letting go of things in the long run can be good.
In our overcrowded, overstimulated, overfilled lives, I think we may need to learn to take a step back more often. Our digital lifestyles are connecting us to each other and to information more than I ever imagined growing up. But, this may be at a cost to our sanity and mental health. Indeed, many folks take digital detox breaks to reconnect with the simpler world.
As a telemedicine physician, I am connected to technology during my workday, and I love it. I enjoy connecting with patients around the country via this cool, new medium. It is different, and a challenge. But once the day is done, sometimes I hop onto my home laptop, or home smartphone, or home tablet. And sometimes after doing so, I feel more fried, not rejuvenated. I think my body and mind, with their fatigue symptoms, are trying to tell me something. Too much of a good thing is no longer good.
Take time to stop and smell the roses…and ride a pony, too, if one happens to cross your path.
As my daughter phrased it, “Finder’s Keepers, Losers Sweepers”… perhaps we should let go of our technology and busy lives and sweep away the clutter and noise. That way, we can reconnect with ourselves, our families, our thoughts and feelings, and live a hopefully more peaceful existence. Instead of weeping and mourning a loss, perhaps we can see the loss as a gain. Gaining of freedom, gaining of time. That opening in our lives can allow something else in. For me, less is truly more, and gives me more time to recharge. I think I’ll take my daughter’s advice more here in the future, and see losing and letting go as a way to clean and “sweep away” what I really don’t need.
I’ve felt like an imposter many times in my medical career. I felt this particularly in my sharp transition from medical school to residency. What in the world was this hospital thinking? They are letting me, a brand new medical school graduate, make medical decisions for patients! But…I don’t feel ready, or qualified. How am I supposed to know what I am doing? Everyone else around me seems to know what is going on. I guess I will act like I do too…
This idea of “Faking it till you make it” has helped me in these times of self doubt. It certainly helped in my transition from lowly med student to (slightly higher) rung of intern, and then to (again a slightly higher) rung of senior resident. And it has helped me as I have transitioned to each of my attending jobs. I found I was repeating this mantra to myself (“Fake it till you make it!”) often as I made the move from traditional brick and mortar medicine to telemedicine.
To grow and change, sometimes you have to throw yourself into uncomfortable situations. The discomfort is tangible and hard. But without these challenging situations, we would not improve. Exercise plans and training plans have taught me that in my running development. As I push myself to bigger limits with running and walking and weight training, I can see myself getting stronger, faster, and better. Without that stress and strain on my body, however, and pushing myself to do hard things, I would not improve.
I think the same goes with my career development and my development as a physician. I think the level of responsibility needed to be a physician is huge, and physicians as a whole place large expectations on ourselves. The practice of medicine is a high stakes game. We are often expected to make decisions for our patients that are crucial and difficult. Medicine is partly science, but it also an art. This less definitive “art” side of medicine can be difficult to fathom, and sometimes difficult to navigate, especially as a young physician. And this lack of concreteness in what is expected of you as a physician breeds a feeling of not measuring up., this “imposter syndrome” if you will.
I don’t think this concept of imposter syndrome is unique to physicians. Indeed, I have felt this as a mother as well. I remember being a new mom and wondering how in the world I was expected to handle all these weird new challenges and expectations as a mother of a newborn. I definitely felt uncomfortable and out of my element. But again, I took on the idea of “Fake it till you make it” and put on a brave face, followed the examples of other moms out there, and proceeded. Eventually, with practice and time, things did get easier. I still feel uncomfortable at times with mothering as it is again unclear and there is an art to the role of parenting. But I have realized pretty much all of us have these insecurities and have times of not being sure what to do. What I do is analyze a situation or decision to be made, do the best I can with the information I have in front of me, try to do what is best for me and/or my family, and then act on it.
Feeling comfortable and more experienced in my role as mama now, but there are definitely time I feel a bit out of my league. In times of distress or feeling unsure, I try to smile, put my best foot forward, and “fake it till I make it!”
I have also felt this imposter sensation as a runner. I resumed running about 2 years ago after a long hiatus due to training stress, medical school stress, residency stress, and new parent stress. But I set about to resume running after challenging myself to a New Year’s resolution in 2017 of running a half marathon. And since, through practice, trial and error, and grit, I have stuck with my running practice and have gotten better. I will not lie, the first 6-12 months were hard work as I built up my cardiovascular fitness, my stamina, and strength. There were injuries along the road that definitely made things even more challenging. Now, though, running has become second nature and a way for me to vent daily stressors. It is my therapy. I listened to a podcast episode from Marathon Training Academy, “Running Outside The Comfort Zone” from July 31, 2019. In this episode, the hosts of the show interview Susan Lacke, an author who also felt feelings of imposter syndrome as a runner. I could definitely relate to her thoughts on the matter, and could see parallels to imposter syndrome not just as a runner but as a mother and physician as well. If you want some inspiration on carrying forward in spite of feelings of inadequacy or feeling “not good enough,” I would recommend giving that episode a listen.
Just looking at my small snippets of roles in life, I have seen how imposter syndrome has permeated how I feel about myself. I see it as normal, however, and a sign that I am being thrust into a new, scary situation, but that is a good thing. Without challenges and adversity in life, how are we to grow? So instead of seeing the butterflies in your stomach as a problem, I would think of that sign of discomfort as a sign you are going to be facing something that will help you improve, be it in your career, in your hobbies, or in your role as a parent/spouse/family member. And when you feel a bit less confident in a situation but you need to do it anyway, put on a brave face, a smile, and fake it. I’ve been surprised myself how much that really does help me, and I surprise myself all the time with how much I am able to accomplish.
I completed my first 20 mile long run for this training cycle (yes, 20 whole miles…gulp!). It was a steady buildup to this distance in my training cycle, so I have been slowly adding a couple miles to my weekly long run over the last few months. Therefore, I knew mentally and physically I was ready for this. However, there were several times in the run where I felt like quitting. Some examples of what runs through my head sometimes: Hmmm…maybe 6 miles would be good enough. My legs feel tired. It would be nice to walk. Or maybe walk home and take the day off. Wow, that person is sitting on that swing. That looks so comfortable. Maybe I could take a quick break and enjoy the view, too. 11.5 miles sounds pretty good, I made it this far, that is a pretty good day. (Yes, I am a running nerd and track my miles by the half mile. have alerts on my phone for every half mile I run. I love to geek out on all the data!)
When these thoughts of bailing out would crop to the surface though, I would argue back in my mind why it would be even better to stick it out. I envision how good it would feel to see the mileage posted on my completed run. Being able to check off my workout on my workout calendar. Personal satisfaction at a job completed as planned.
As long there isn’t anything truly unsafe keeping me from running, I will try to keep going. (Sometimes the weather is a factor. Or a worsening injury is brewing and running is hurting. Then, it is time to stop. Discomfort and fatigue from gaining stamina, athletic ability, and strength are good things. On the other hand, outright pain from a injury is bad. Sometimes it is hard to admit the difference. But in my heart, I can tell the difference as the run progresses. It is better to stop, cut the run short, and live to run another day.
Here are some mental tips I use to keep going on runs I should keep going on (I.e. as long as there is not a sidelining injury in the works, or as long as I won’t be swept away by hurtling winds and bad hail).
–Take it 1 mile at a time. I described in a past post the power of taking each mile as it comes, and focusing on the present. Indeed, this is a good reminder in life also that it is important to take time to be in the moment and not so future (or past) oriented.
–Think about the end goal. I try to visualize myself in my race. What it will feel like to be trekking along on the course. All the fans. All the noises. The fun of the competition. I remind myself that this training run is practice, and this practice will get me to that finish line.
–Think about something I am thankful for. Not everything in life goes well. But there is a ton to be thankful for and not take for granted. I often think to my husband and kids. I think how fortunate I have to be a part of their lives. I try to think of something funny or silly from the day before, an “inside joke” if you will in our own small tight-knit family. I remind myself that this discomfort is temporary. And my runs also give me mental clarity and peace to tackle to stresses of my everyday life.
These two smiling faces often come to mind and rescue me when I need mental distraction from the tedium of a long run.
–Revel in my abilities. Our human bodies are amazing machines. It is hard sometimes to fathom all that goes on inside of us, to keep us going. Particularly amazing, in fact, is how I am able to keep on running. And sometimes running crazy distances, like my recent 20 miler, or 26.2 miles. The mind and body are capable of tremendous and sometimes mind-boggling things. As I am running along and get tired or tempted to quit, I remind myself how amazing it is my legs are moving, or my arms or pumping, or my heart and lungs are moving the blood within me, propelling me cardiovascular wise on my run.
–Think about fun things coming up on the day to come or week to come. Pure distraction is a good technique as well. I sometimes use the repetitive motion of my running as a way to zone out and start thinking about things on my to do list. I strategize how I will fit things in to my afternoon or the work week ahead.
–Listen to some good music, audiobooks, or podcasts. Again, distraction works wonders. I try to have a good playlist on my phone available to turn to if I need some motivating beats. And I also have several podcasts downloaded if I prefer to learn something on my runs. If I am into an audiobook, I will have that downloaded to my phone too, and have that as an option to keep my mind occupied.
As I have progressed and developed as a runner, I have learned the ability to persevere and continue on my quest each run, particularly when approaching a race. I think one last thing that helps me get through a tough run is learning to accept things when they are good enough. I think this is also good training for life – the stamina and grit I gain by sticking it out in a run translates nicely to mental fortitude in real life. And sometimes, a “good enough” day in running or in my work day is just fine. A tough long day ahead of me? I can do it. Heck, I’ve run 20 miles recently (and 26.2 miles before)…if I can do that, I can do anything. I will just take it one minute and one hour at a time.
Not all runs will go perfectly. I may need to bail out if my body can’t handle it, for example, if an injury is forming. But I try to also accept the fact that not everything goes perfectly, and sometimes a run does not feel so great, and that’s okay. There are good days and there are bad days. The bad days, though, make the good days shine in comparison. And the best thing after a run (good or bad) is that feeling of accomplishment! That is probably what keeps me going, and keeps me coming back for more.
It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency. (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago. Where did those years go?) . I can still recall…
It seems like a short time ago I was pregnant with my daughter during my medical residency. (In reality, though, that was 7 years ago. Where did those years go?) . I can still recall wearing maternity clothes and compression stockings during my pregnancy, dealing with being on my feet while carrying her and being a resident. I can remember the fatigue as I was working and as she was developing within me during my pregnancy. Coupling all of the pregnancy demands with my medical residency expectations, I am not sure now how I managed it all. This was of course an early example of my busy doctor mom life in the making.
My daughter will be swinging into 1st grade soon!
I remember being in the hospital for her delivery, and the newness and fear and associated with being a brand new parent. (They are giving us this small being, and we get to take them home with us? But…what do we do now?) I also remember taking her to the doctor for her newborn checkup a couple of days after going home from the hospital. A wee little thing at that point, she was 5 lbs, 4 oz at that visit. I remember a fellow parent in the waiting room commented on how tiny she looked.
Now, this little girl is 6 years old. She is about to enter 1st grade later this month! I can hardly believe this, as time seems to be marching on without me realizing it. The advice by fellow parents is right – time really does fly by, sometimes going too fast.
I value my time with my kids now when they are little. But it can be trying and exhausting, and sometimes I find myself wishing they were both a bit older. That would give me a break from all of the hands on care that toddlers and young children require. But other times, I realize this time is fleeting. And raising older kids will introduce a whole host of new challenges – school activities and after school activities, navigating the social scene, etc. There will be a time my kids do not want me to hold them (and I won’t be able to carry them as they will be too heavy/too big!). They won’t want to hold my hand, being too cool/too old for it. They won’t want me to cuddle with them at the end of the day. It will tug at my heart for sure when that day comes. But I am trying to imprint on my memory now the times I have with them when they are little.
This time with my children is a gift. We get 18 years to raise them, and guide them on this path of life. I hope to raise 2 strong, hard working people. We still have quite a ways to go. But looking at my calendar and seeing “Maddie’s first day of 1st grade” is around the bend, I realize that this 18 years is going by faster than it seems. I think looking forward is good, to plan, and to arrange a life you want. But it is also vital to look back and see how far we’ve come, and to really take time to enjoy the present moment.
Feeling blessed and fortunate to have these two little ones in my life.
Time is precious, and unfortunately, it is not renewable. You can’t get time back. (But wouldn’t time travel be amazing?) I hope I am spending my time wisely, particularly as I am spending it with my husband and children. I am so grateful for my family and this time I have with them. Looking back on past memories (good and bad helps solidify this gratitude within me, and makes me proud of how far we’ve come. On hard days, especially, it is easy for me to overlook this gift of time. But I try to remind myself of the positive, and how beautiful and powerful being a parent truly is. I hope to never forget how valuable this time is with my family, and how blessed I am to travel on this life journey with my husband and children.
Distance running has taught me a lot about life. I think the key things I have taken away are:
Life is suffering. Life is hard. Running, in turn, is also hard, particularly going long distances when your body and mind are tired. But it is through suffering that you can reach and appreciate beauty. Without suffering and challenge, we would remain the same. Life would be boring. Sure – there would be minimal failure and disappointment. But there would also be no glory, or chance for self improvement. I can see how much easier running has become for me. It is a way for me to decompress after a tough day. It is a form of therapy for me, as the repetitive action is a way of physically meditating and zoning out. Sure, sometimes the runs are uncomfortable. But with that discomfort, I can see parallels to other parts of my life that are uncomfortable, and I realize that the run will eventually end, I will reach my destination, and the suffering will be relieved.
At the end of my tough runs, if I endure the suffering, I’m often rewarded by smiling little faces like this one.
Focus on the mile you are in. I recently read the memoir, Run the Mile You’re In, by Ryan Hall (a recently retired marathoner). I think that one of the themes he touches on, that is the title of the book, is very poignant. We should continue to refocus our thoughts on the moment at hand, or in running, the mile you are in. In a race, or a workout, it is easy to get ahead of yourself, and start thinking of all the other miles you have left. Or in life, it is easy to start focusing too much on the future, and neglecting the present. Take a moment to relish the here and now. You are only going to have this day once. Tomorrow, sure, is around the corner, but it is crucial to not be so future oriented that you fail to live in the present.
Sometimes life gives you a long journey, or a traffic jam. Don’t get too focused on the car lengths ahead of you. Instead, stay mindful of the present. Enjoy the beauty (and in this case, organization and order) that can be present in life.
Take time to relish victories. Take time to reflect on the past, and see how well things have gone in your life. It is good practice to take some time and think of your past victories. Sure, I am no elite runner, and I will probably never truly “win” a race in a field of runners, and I am okay with that. But for me, success is able to be self-defined. It can be finishing a distance you have never finished before. It can be setting a new personal record. It can be finishing a training plan and/or race injury free. As in my 2nd marathon, it can be gritting through a less-than-deal situation (e.g. illness) and finishing a race anyways. And as I reflect on my own past successes, I think of ways to incorporate these into my future plans, so I can repeat things I have done well.
Learn from mistakes. Life is not perfect. That is also true in sports. Sometimes things do not go as planned. A particular meal, perhaps, the night before a long run is one to avoid in the future. Forcing a run after a long week of work or stressful night of call can lead to a weakened immune system and make you more prone to catching an infection or getting injured. Learning to listen to your body is an acquired skill, and takes practice. I think that by analyzing things I have done wrong, I am able to hopefully better plan for future situations, so I won’t make the same mistake again.
Being content with my own thoughts, and letting creativity run wild. I find running helps often burn off excess negative energy, e.g. a patient encounter that did not go well, or a conversation with my family that could have gone better. And it also opens up my creative side. Sometimes I have music playing, or a podcast or audiobook going while I run. And with this audio simultaneously playing and inspiring me on my run, I notice new connections and ideas cropping up organically. Exercise, I feel, is a way to get in better touch with your inner mind, and all that it entails – emotions, thoughts, and hopes for the future. Running for me is my exercise of choice, and it has brought me to a greater connection to my own creative and spiritual side.
Enjoy all that life has to offer. Life is sometimes rocky (or wobbly as in this ride) but it can also teach you a lot, and these challenges are what make life interesting and worth living.
Life is full of trials and tribulations. In this journey of life, it can be easy to be one-track minded, and go day in, day out, in the same routine. Wake up, go to work, get home, eat dinner, go to bed, rinse and repeat. I think my hobby of distance running has helped enrich my life. It isn’t only cardiovascular exercise (although this, don’t get me wrong, is truly quite valuable). I think more than that, though, it gives me an outlet, and serves as my form of therapy and meditation. Running has taught me a lot, and I think this hobby will continue to teach me as I advance further in my development as a runner.
